Christmas

We had a lovely Christmas. It was just the four of us this year. With no place to be on Christmas day, we stayed in our jammies all day, opened presents, watched movies, and had a feast of turkey breast with all the fixins.

The day came to a close with the discovery of a broken window on the mini-van - a complete mystery. There has been some vandalism at Todd's work, so we suspect somebody nailed the window at work on Christmas Eve, and it shattered after Todd parked in the warm garage. Shortly thereafter, Anika dumped the contents of my purse into the bathtub.... which was full of water. Never a dull moment.

As you can see, Anika was a big hit at churchin her Christmas outfit. Nathan was his usual self (a ham) in the Christmas program.

Frosty

Goodbye Dan

I'll miss you.


Everyone: Don't panic. I've already started getting emails saying, "OMG what happened to your friend Dan? Did he have cancer, too?" No no NO! Dan is the guy who came to Alaska to work my job while I was out all year.... and I had the good fortune to get to work with him since I came back to work in August. He moved back to North Carolina on Wednesday. He's part of the silver lining of cancer - one of those people I never would have met otherwise.

Seattle (Pictures added)

Nathan and I went to Seattle this past weekend. We were able to visit with Kayla Friday, Saturday and Sunday. In between trips to the hospital we visited the Space Needle (see the topiary version in the photo above); went to the Seattle Children's Museum; saw The BFG and the world premier of The Neverending Story at the Seattle Children's Theatre; spent seven hours at the Pacific Science Center, where we saw a great 3D IMAX movie called Sea Monsters and visited the planetarium. We saw butterflies and bugs and giant chess games. We ate pizza four days in a row, just because we could.

Neither Nathan nor I had been out of town in a long, long time. For me, my last trip out of the Anchorage area was to China in August 2006, when we brought Anika home. Nathan's last trip was (I think) to Disney World in November 2005. We are a family of travelers, and we were getting restless.

Life is Terminal

Metastatic breast cancer. That means the bastard spreads into other parts of the body. It can land virtually anywhere. The bones, the ovaries, the brain, the lungs.... I get so annoyed when I read about Elizabeth Edwards and her recurrance, because they keep saying "now that it's in her bones, it's incurable." Well, IF IT WAS CURABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE, IT WOULDN'T BE IN HER BONES! I hate it that they are giving the impression that breast cancer is "curable." It isn't. They can slash, poison and burn it, but they can't cure it. Yet.

More annoying is that any breast cancer patient can go metastatic. Even a stage 1 patient who does chemo and removes both breasts.

Two years ago, a woman named Christine had this to say:

Yes, I was one of the few who was stage 1 (1.6 cm and sentinol node positive) and did A/C, but after 4 months of being in "remission", I went right into stage 4-everywhere in my bones! It was crazy, no one could believe it. Apparently, it could have been hiding out in my bones and never showed up on the scan when I was first diagnosed.

I do not know of anyone (maybe 2 people having mets within a year) that this has happened to. It is easier said than done, but you have to go on and enjoy your lives. I did- I never thought about a reoccurance and I went to the Bahamas and to Miami before this mets happened. I am glad I wasn't worried everyday because I enjoyed myself. And I still make sure I do, regardless of the setbacks!
I go wherever I can.

Christine died earlier this year.

Another woman, Nancy, said this:

I went from Stage 1 to 4. NO lymph gland involvement originally and ended up with Lungs and bones with too many tumors to count. They were very small and they called them lesions not tumors....but I maybe had more than 20 in pleural lining of left lung alone and ribs, 3 spots on spine, pelvis, yada yada yada. No lungs and brain thank goodness.....

So with no lymph gland involvement and all lymph glands removed from offending breast...and offending breast removed.....how in the hell does it get EVERYWHERE in the body like this......Bloodstream.

SO....MY good news is this terrible thing that chemo is doing to me is also doing wonderful things too...the spots in my lungs are almost all gone and not only are the tumors in my bones gone I am growing new bone....which the dr's say is remarkable.

Even with all my whining....Slash and burn baby slash and burn...

Another woman said:

I personally know of two ladies that were Stage 1 - no node involvement- and they went straight to Stage 4 within five years. There are no guarantees - no matter what your initial diagnosis is.

And another:

I am one of those people who went from being borderline Stage 2 to Stage 4 in a matter of months after initial chemo and radiation. I had lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy (no lymph node involvement). . . . My cancer has gone to my spine and am having bone treatments every four weeks for an indefinite period of time (or as my oncologist said, as long as I am alive).

One theory is that the mets were already in my spine when I was initially diagnosed but was too small to be detected by a bone scan (I had one before I started chemo last year and they didn't detect the cancer in my bones).

And let's not forget Melinda. About three months prior to being diagnosed with mets, Melinda had a good CT and bone scan. Six months later she is gone.

Depressing, huh?

But here's the thing: "Life is terminal."

I know I have said "well I could get hit by a bus tomorrow," so I should do this or that, but I don't think I ever really internalized this reality until recently.

Last week a four-year old was killed in a random car accident near where I live. Mom lost control of the vehicle on the ice, and another car T-boned them. Nobody's fault.... just an accident. Nobody I knew... That mom had no way to know that was coming. No chance to say goodbye.

I'm trying to think of cancer as the gift of realizing my own mortality. I hate to leave things undone. This is your reminder that you don't know when it will be time.... so get whatever it is done, hug your kids, and get rid of the superfluous things (and people) in your life that take up your time and give you nothing in return.

Stages of Grief

You've probably heard of the Stages of Grief. These are the five stages a person typically goes through (not necessarily all five, and not necessarily in order) when processing grief - either a death, an illness, the end of a relationship, anything traumatic. The Stages of Grief are:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Being the ever-over-achiever that I am, I whipped through these bad boys in short order. Denial didn't last long - a few minutes, tops. I didn't engage in a great deal of Bargaining, since God was the only person to bargain with in this instance, and I know full well that God does not bargain. Anger and Depression tag-teamed me for awhile. But overall, I think I reached a point of Acceptance pretty quickly.

Interestingly, I was experiencing the Stages of Grief over an entirely different problem at the same time. (You know me - always multi-tasking). A problem from the unbloggable area of my life - I'd say I'd been in Denial about that problem for years. Many years. I'd engaged in a great deal of Bargaining... thinking if I just tried this or that, I could solve the problem and salvage the relationship. Anger and Depression took turns again. The relationship ended dramatically and abruptly a week before I found the lump. An interesting coincidence, no? Anger and Depression continued to battle it out in this private arena..... until Acceptance finally won out.

I can honestly say that I never have felt more peaceful in my life, for such an extended period of time, as I feel now. But maybe Todd is just slipping something in my drink every night at dinner. :)

Hooters

Some folks threw a surprise birthday party for my friend Dan at..... of all places..... Hooters, last week. Those of you who know me know that it is absurd on a number of levels to find me at a Hooters, but I'm a good sport. (You owe me one, Dan......) I was going to buy a T-shirt, but decided not to waste the money.

On the plus side, Dan was REALLY surprised.

1000 Cranes

1000 Cranes
May they find you well,
May they find you strong,
May they find you at peace,
and where you belong.

And if you ever grow ill again
Know each breath in each crane
comes from a friend.

Some of you may recall that my friend LaRoyce started making me 1000 cranes back in February. Well she finished them in November and sent me the last 300 along with a poem. They are beautiful. Help me figure out what to do with them.

Pictures

Pictures as promised. Anika in her new perch. Nathan at swimming lessons. Birthday shots. Enjoy.

Birthday Extravaganza

Ok, I'm getting grief for not posting in a timely manner, but I've been BUSY enjoying my life! Plus, I love that pic of the Moose, and I didn't want to make it go away too soon. :)

Nathan turned 7 last Thursday. We had three days of fun, fun, fun! Thursday night we went out for Chinese food. Funny, if you know Nathan, because he HATES Chinese food (or, most food, for that matter), but our local Chinese restaurant has deep-fried dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, and that's what he wanted. We were joined by Nathan's Kindergarten teacher and two of her children. (Stupid me, I did not get a picture???) Also, Aunt Bev showed up with goodies. We had a great time and it was nice to catch up with Mrs. B.

From there we went to the new Dairy Queen and met Lori, Peter, Kate and Diane for ice cream. More presents. The kids had a good time playing in the play place there, and Anika even went down the slide with Kate! They put strawberries on the birthday boy's ice cream, which required a trip back to the front counter, but all was well.

Friday, after work, Todd and the kids met me at Chuck E. Cheese in Anchorage. It was a surpise for Nathan! We were joined by my friends from work, Ashley, Dan and Julie, as well as Lori and Kate. So yes, we were 6 adults with 3 kids at Chuck E. Cheese. The pizza was horrible, but that is to be expected. A good time was had by all. Anika enjoyed the slide in the toddler play area, but on Saturday whenever we would mention our evening, she would say, "NO CHUCKY CHEESE! NO CHUCKY CHEESE!" She was not overly impressed.

Saturday morning we took the kids to Bouncin' Bears, where for the low, low price of 9 bucks, all four of us played for two solid hours. The kids were EXHAUSTED. We had a great time.

Pictures to follow.......

Only in Alaska

Yup, that's a bull moose tangled in Christmas lights in downtown Anchorage. For more, visit the Anchorage Daily News.

A Whole New "Awkward"

Remember Junior High School? Or High School, for that matter.....

Your body is doing weird things. It seems to change daily. You notice the boys looking at your chest (ok, this never happened to me... but so I've heard). Your hair is goofy because you really can't pull off the latest style, or you don't know how to use that curling iron. They make you shower in gym and you would rather die than take your clothes off.

Welcome to cancer recovery. It's like puberty all over again. With a twist.

On Thursday I knocked over a glass of water with one of the foobs. It took me 3 whole seconds to realize what happened, because I NEVER FELT IT. Suddenly there was just this glass of water all over the counter, and I was perplexed.

My hair has reached what I like to call the "Q-Tip" phase. It's about 4 inches long, and if I don't product it into submission after my shower, it sticks straight out.

Somewhere, God is laughing.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well I gotta tell ya', this Thanksgiving is about a million times better than LAST Thanksgiving. I could tell you stories...... but the low point of last Thanksgiving (and there were several crappy moments) was saying to Todd: "Hey, feel THIS! Is that a LUMP?" Yeah, good times. Good times.

So I have a lot to be thankful for this year. We're stuffed to the brim with turkey and sitting on the couch watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I love movie nights.....

Facebook

As if I needed more things on the internet to distract me.... I joined Facebook last week. It has been described as "Myspace for grownups," although that may depend on your definition of a "grownup." But anyway...... seems like a good way to network and find old friends. It's a little less creepy than Myspace, in my opinion. It's more about making the connections and a little less about how cute your page is.

Monday

BIG thanks to Jonathan and Lynn for coming over and helping with the kids yesterday. I'm still on a lifting restriction until Thursday, and Todd was working. Jon and Nathan built a super-cute snowman in the front yard (complete with carrot nose and raisin smile and eyes, and a shuttlecock hat!) and Lynn and I had a good chance to catch up. (I get to have lunch with Jon, but never with Lynn!) It's so fun to watch Anika warm up to new people. She wouldn't talk at all when she first woke up from her nap and saw Lynn (Lynn is a speech pathologist.... so of course I wanted Anika to TALK!), but by the time they left she was giving hugs and kisses.

For those of you who read my blog closely (including the comments), you'll recognize the screen name "hopeinalaska". Her 13 year old daughter had a nasty horse accident last week, and has had two surgeries on her foot. Please keep Maggie in your prayers.

Update and Lightbulb Moment

I was back to work on Tuesday. Got my stitches out Wednesday. Really no worse for wear.

My friend Jen had an epiphany: She figured out why we all have cancer:

So, do you guys get those emails like the chain letter from grade school? Pass this on to 7 people in 7 seconds or have bad luck forever? (A little disproportionate there huh?) Well, I do. All the time. And guess what? I NEVER SEND THEM. TO ANYONE. NEVER. EVER. NOT ONE. I never did that chain letter from Sue in the second grade either. Seriously, who wants to copy 10 pages 10 times? Whose mom came up with that to keep us kids busy?

So, the way I see it, THAT must be the reason I have cancer. Please add me to the bottom of the next one you get. "One woman failed to do this and was recently diagnosed with cancer."

There you go.

I HATE those forwarded e-mails. I find the ones that I have received SINCE my cancer diagnosis that threaten bad luck if I don't comply particularly annoying. As if my luck could get worse.

Saturday

Just checking in to let you all know I am doing really well. Pain is manageable. I'm taking Percocet at night, but am using just Tylenol during the day now. I slept great my first night at home (could have been the Percocet I took along with two Tylenol PM.....) Yesterday (Friday) Todd and I ventured out to Lowes and HOme Depot to look at new vanity cabinets for the master bath. That pretty much wore me out, so I had a nice long nap. Today we took Anika to get her hair cut, and then we all went to the grocery store.... again, wore me out. Napped.

It's snowing like crazy here. It's beautiful.

Everyone please pray for Lola in Scotland. She is someone from my young survivor's message board. She has just been diagnosed with liver mets, possible bone and lung mets, and also possible brain mets. She is resuming treatment, and her oncologist is not optimistic. She has a beautiful little girl about the same age as Anika. My heart breaks.......

Done!

I'm home. Everything went according to plan.... easy surgery... didn't barf (they put a patch behind my ear for nausea and it appears to have worked.) I'm a little sore but I've already eaten lunch and pondering what to do the rest of the day. I don't really need a nap..... Surgery was at 7:30 and I was home by noon.

So all in all, a BREEZE. Have I mentioned the nurses at Providence are all really really good? And nice? They are.

Lori arrived at 5 a.m. to watch the kids and put Nathan on the bus. Linda arrived at 8 to take Anika for the day. They went to a playgroup, and then to Linda's house to make bread! When I awoke from surgery, Todd and Stephanie were waiting for me. Many thanks to Stephanie for the lasagna and other goodies for dinner tonight. I can't wait! (Stephanie wrote on the calendar at work: November 8th, Ruth's LAST surgery!)

As some of you may recall, I always have the nurse read something as I am drifting off to dreamland. Today I had her read the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Here we go again

So everything is all set for tomorrow. I was waffling up until this afternoon... do I REALLY want to do this? But I might as well.

I saw my plastic surgeon this morning and we went over the plan for tomorrow. Through two 5 cm incissions, 600 cc high profile Mentor memory gel implants will be swapped out for the saline-filled balloons I have now. It should take about an hour. Based on the way everything looks on the outside, she said it should be a breeze. She also said that the result I have NOW is "a homerun" in terms of reconstruction, "but I still think we can make it even better." Wow. Better than a HOMERUN?? This all gives "getting to second base" a whole new meaning....

She said I could go back to work Monday. Lucky for me Monday is a holiday, so I plan to go back on Tuesday. I am on a lifting restriction for two weeks - no lifting the kids. So......... I'm looking for volunteers for Sunday and Monday next weekend to help me with the kids while Todd is at work. For your troubles, I will reward you with the joy of my company.

Thursday surgery moved up

My nice cushy 11:30 a.m. surgery time got bumped up to 7:30, requiring me to be there at 6 a.m., which requires me to leave my house at 5 a.m. Apparently they don't care that I have two little kids.

So I sent out an SOS to local parties to see who can come and watch the kids in the a.m. before Nathan goes to school and Anika's babysitter arrives. Let me know if you can help.

Thanks.

UPDATE: Thanks to Lori for volunteering (I swear I didn't lay a guilt trip...) to come over at 5 am and stay until the babysitter arrives at 8 before she heads to work.

Pictures

I'm way overdo on pictures. Here are some of Todd and the kids with one of his giant cabbages, Todd and Anika's trip to Minneapolis for his cousin's wedding, and Halloween. The last one is Kayla and her mom.

Kayla went back to Seattle today to prepare for her bone marrow transplant scheduled for 12/8. Please keep her in your prayers.