Week in Pictures

The "normal phase" seems to have set in today, giving me five whole days ahead of me where I might feel like a real person before I go in for my next-to-last chemo next Wednesday. The numbness in my fingers is mostly gone. The pain is mostly gone. The need for a nap in the afternoon is mostly gone....

I saw a third plastic surgeon today. He was not particularly helpful, given that after waiting a month to see him, and spending about 20 minutes in the office with him, I found out he refuses to do surgery at the hospital that is my preferred provider. He was, unfortunately, not the savior I was hoping he would be. He could not make it "all better," so I will go back to Plan A. More on that later.

My friend Holly arrives on Saturday with her son, Isaac, who is 7. They will be here for a week, and Nathan is beside himself with excitement over another little boy to play with. (I'm also excited..... but it's just not the same when you're 36). Holly is graciously traveling all the way from South Dakota to help us out. I'm pleased that I'll have a few days of feeling good before chemo, and that my kids will be with someone I trust while I'm out of commission for the next few days. Hopefully Todd can get a much-needed break and go see a movie or something.

Here are some photos from the past week. The woman in the third picture is my friend Gail from work. The last picture is Anika in her big girl chair at the dining room table....

Wednesday

OK, here's another picture of the borg, just to remind you what I look like these days. Except picture this with a pink bandanna. I'm not sure how it got to be Wednesday already. As I've said before, the days blend together.... I have some new pictures stuck in the camera, so will entertain you with those soon.

Good news - my liver is fine. Finally got the ultrasound results back today. The elevated liver counts in my bloodwork must be from the chemo. Which is good, because a liver full of cancer would have SERIOUSLY PISSED ME OFF at this point. It doesn't take much... my nerves are a little raw by the end of the day as it is.

Nathan had a great day on Monday, ice cream and a trip to the park with Lori and Kate. I felt good enough (I thought) to take both kids to the grocery store alone this morning while Todd mowed the lawn. If I had any hair, I would have pulled it out, however. I cannot account for Tuesday... no idea.

I go see yet another plastic surgeon tomorrow to find out what can be done with the mess they plan to make. Hopefully I'll get surgery scheduled for early July.

Comedy of Errors

I started feeling a little better Saturday afternoon. We went over to the BBQ and had a nice time, ate some good food, and talked with real adults about something other than cancer. I was feeling pretty normal by evening.

This morning the comedy of errors that is my life resumed. Todd is at work, and I was so proud of myself that I was making myself breakfast, until I lifted the lid on the pan and found a SPIDER in my eggs!! It was so disgusting, I threw the spider in the trash and gave the whole works to the dogs.

I decided to settle on a stale bagel, as there was no cereal that looked appealing. (Clearly it is time to go to the grocery store). While it was toasting, I opened the butter dish and...... you guessed it...... no butter. So I went to the fridge to get a fresh stick out of the box, and I CUT MY FINGER ON THE BOX OF BUTTER. I kid you not. It bled and everything. I needed a band-aid. A "B emergency."

So at long last I settled down to eat my stale bagel with hard, cold butter and Anika walks over to me and drops a load in her pants. This took care of my appetite, thus solving my breakfast problem.

Of course this whole time the dogs are barking outside.

And did I mention the dishwasher AND the (new) vacuum stopped working yesterday? It's hard to wash dishes when your fingers are numb from Taxol.

It's all really too funny. My friend Gail is coming over to rescue me after church. Maybe the three of us will be dressed by then..... maybe not. I have lowered my expectations. ;)

More than you want to know

Friday sucked. By 11 am I had to call Todd at work to come and rescue me. I spent the day in bed. At 8pm I finally barfed.... felt a little better then. They said the Taxol is "easier" than the AC. They did not say it is "easy." Hey, you wanted an update.

It's Saturday now and I feel better than yesterday, but nowhere near normal or good. I'll hold out.... I know it is coming in just a few days... the glimpse of ordinary I am longing for... We've been invited to a BBQ down the street later today. I'm going to take the dark circles under my eyes out for a walk and see who's there.

Everything I Needed to Know....

Yesterday was Nathan's last day of Kindergarten. I have loved this sign from his Kindergarten room, and Todd snapped a photo for me the other day. Words to live by. I especially love the "B Emergencies." We've had lots of fun coming up with other emergencies to add to the list. (A emergencies, such as Alligators. You get the idea. Nathan's imagination goes wild with such a project).

Since we were in China on the first day of school, I was hell-bent on being there for the LAST day. We timed it well.... chemo on Tuesday, Neulasta shot Wednesday morning, and the train didn't hit me until Wednesday evening, so I was able to drive over to school and be there for the end of the day to say goodbye to Nathan's teacher before I really started to feel like crap.

Nathan made his teacher a VERY cool present.... another of his famous inventions..... a stick with a Sharpie duct-taped to the end.... in his words, "so she can help a kid right in front of her, and help another kid WAY across the room at the same time!" Mrs. B. was dutifully impressed with his labors. Here's a photo of Nathan explaining his invention.



After the Kindergartners got out at 2:15 we went upstairs to meet his first grade teacher for next year. He had already sought her out on the playground... I was impressed. They had a good talk and he was giving her hugs by the time we left her room, so I think the transition will be OK. He was very sad to be leaving Mrs. B, and has been telling us for weeks that he wants to go to Kindergarten again next year so he can be with her. I remember bawling when I had to leave my first grade teacher.... so I was pretty sympathetic.

I resorted to taking Percocet last night, which I haven't taken since my last surgery. Every square inch of my body hurts. Even that little muscle under my tongue hurts! (But Todd did note that it doesn't keep me from talking). :) My fingertips are also a little numb, which is a Taxol side affect. Makes it kinda tricky to type.

Oh, and I had the ultrasound this morning. Probably won't hear back on that until Monday. I'll let you know how that turns out.

I've almost eaten all of Ashley's chocolate chip cookies already. :) I really should let the kids have some........

P.S. My dad sent me a correction to my previous entry... my sister turned 26 on Tuesday, not 25. Woops.

Seven of Nine

Today was dose seven of my nine doses of chemo. I feel more like a borg than a human at this point, with the bald head, the metallic/silicone port winding its way through my vena cava. . . the toxins polluting my body. If you don't know what a borg is, see the photo. With a little luck, maybe I'll at least have a rack like Jeri Ryan when this is all over.

Speaking of great racks, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER SARAH! :) Sorry, I blame the drugs for that entirely inappropriate comment. She was 6 years old when I graduated high school on this very day 19 years ago.... so that makes her.... 25. The genetic counselor said my biological sister should start getting screened for BC 10 years before my age at diagnosis (36), so Sarah you have one year to get your act together and start screening.

I'll give you a summary of my day, then there is some important stuff at the end if you are interested in my pathology, treatment, prognosis, etc. I'm too tired and foggy to edit this to make more sense.

Taxol was the same story today. They doped me up with Benadryll beforehand....but at least this time I knew what was going to happen. Fortunately I didn't have the crazy twitchy legs this time.... but I knew I was going to fall asleep and I didn't resist it this time. I didn't have any visitors this week, so it was just as well. I would have been snoozing before anybody got there. I told myself to "just give in" to the sleep that was forcing itself on me. I had a moment where I didn't want to, as Nathan and I are reading A Wrinkle in Time, and we just read the part where the children had to resist giving in to IT, which tries to take over their minds if they would just relax.... But I turned on a meditation CD on my ipod and took a snooze.

While I was sleeping, Todd ran over to my work and picked up a pile of goodies. Kristen made our dinner tonight, pasta and chicken with sun dried tomatoes and pine nuts... mmmmm, Ashley sent chocolate chip cookies WITHOUT nuts (at my request), Marty sent homemade tamales (the last batch was fabulous), Jan W. sent caramel rolls (yummy), and Tom sent me a couple of items that had belonged to his wife, Sharon, who survived metastatic breast cancer for 18 years. It's so nice to know the people at work are thinking of me. Thank you all so much. I haven't been to work since my hair fell out.

Anyway, they had to wake me up to send me home. Todd had been feeding me pretzels while I was sleeping, and I woke up with a mouth of half chewed pretzels. It was funny. Celeste, one of my favorite chemo nurses, told me in the fog that this was her last week and she is moving back to Nebraska, so I was sorry I wasn't more coherent to say goodbye to her. I slept in the van all the way home, then slept at home until about 5. Many thanks to Linda Markus for babysitting Anika today.

Some news, if you've made it this far down. We are a little confused about some of my pathology, now that we are going back over the reports. We had been the "good patients" and asked for copies of all the pathology reports, but then we failed to READ them in all the flurry of activities that went on between January and now. Plus they are hard to understand, even for a lawyer and a medical technologist. I need my own personal pathologist to do translations. Also, there was one report that we never knew existed, so I never asked for a copy. So, a few things are not as I thought.

You may recall I had THREE surgeries trying to GET all the cancer. In the first surgery they found a 1.8 cm tumor and those baby cancer cells called DCIS. In the second surgery they found MORE DCIS, thus deciding that the breast probably could not be saved. My surgeon agreed to do a third surgery (when she put in my port) to try to get "clean margins" around the tumor site.... "the old college try," we called it....to save the breast. More DCIS was found in the third surgery, so we know the breast has to go. I'll probably have that surgery in July if all goes according to plan.

Anyway, in reading the pathology reports and talking to my doctors, it turns out there was a second tumor that was found in the second surgery. It was much smaller at 0.4 cm. My surgeon says she told us this, but neither Todd nor I remember hearing it. However, we were so devastated by the news that there was more DCIS, that we both know we may not have heard this information. I have to say, if I had known about a second small tumor, I probably would have given the breast up back in February. But everything happens for a reason...... this has given me time to come to terms with this loss, and to get clear on my reconstruction options. However, the cancer factory that is my chest has got to GO. I'm ready.

Furthermore, just today we learned that additional pathology was run on the tissue removed from the third surgery, and the pathology came back different from the results on the original tumor. As I explained in an earlier post, treatment is determined in part by whether the cancer is receptive to estrogen. My original tumor came back as Estrogen negative. The DCIS removed in the third surgery came back as Estrogen positive. None of this would have changed the treatment I already have received, but it does mean that 5 years of Tamoxifen (an oral breast cancer drug) is now a done deal. I was on the fence about that before. This is an important bit of information, and I'm a bit annoyed that it was not passed on to me, but this is an example of why we must be pro-active patients and review our own charts periodically.

I think the Estrogen receptor news is somewhat "good" news, relatively speaking, because it means there are more drugs they can throw at me to kill the cancer. Women who are entirely negative for hormone receptors grow frustrated once chemotherapy is over, as usually there is just NOTHING else for oncologists to do. Some view this as a blessing, that they just return to life and forget about cancer. Others become paranoid and wonder when the cancer will show up somewhere else in their body....

OH, and one more thing. Thursday I am having an ultrasound of my liver at 9am. My liver counts have been going gradually up and up since chemo started. The Oncologist said this is MORE THAN LIKELY DRUG RELATED and that they will straighten out when chemo is over. However, out of an abundance of caution, they will do a scan to make sure there is nothing there of concern. Remember, I had a CAT scan just a couple of months ago and I was clean, so it's unlikely that I have a liver full of tumors at this point, since the chemo is supposed to be killing any wayward cancer cells.

Todd says 'hi' to everybody. :)

Good Days - REALLY

I haven't been blogging much, this time because I've been having a wonderful few days. "Wonderful" in that I feel like a real human being..... ordinary.... dare I say "healthy." If I had hair, nobody would have had a clue there was anything wrong.

On Friday Anika and I went to the park... she enjoyed the swing this time. We were trying to catch up with Nathan's class field trip, but we were at the wrong park! We had fun anyway. Later in the day, Anika napped in her stroller while Nathan received an award for "Excellent Attendance" at kindergarten this year. He only missed one day of school - the day he met Todd, Anika and I at the airport when we came home from China. We are fortunate our kids are so healthy. When they called his name in the gym, and all the parents were clapping, Nathan stood up with a big grin on his face and gave a beauty queen wave... it was so funny. Of course the camera read "memory card full" right at that moment.... so we snapped a photo of Nathan and his teacher later.

The weather here has been gorgeous, (68 degrees feels like 80 to us), and I woke up feeling 100% on Saturday. We did all the usual spring stuff... cleaned up the back yard, repotted some plants, Todd tilled the garden in anticipation of planting giant cabbages that we will give away in the fall.... it was one of the first days since December when I have felt completely ordinary...

On Sunday I had the kids all to myself while Todd went to work. He encouraged me to call in some reinforcements but it was so nice to feel like a fully-functional mother again - a person able to take care of her two kids without relying on anyone else for a few hours. Nathan decided we should go on a picnic, so I threw a few sandwiches in a bag, grabbed a blanket, and the three of us went to a park in Palmer. We ate our lunch under a tree.... Nathan said it was his favorite part of the day. Later Anika napped... Nathan played outside..... neighbors stopped by to visit us in the front yard. Summer in Alaska.

Todd went after work and picked up Nathan's new bike - a tandem bicycle that hooks onto the back of an adult bike. Nathan LOVED it. They took it "out for a spin," (Nathan's words), and he did great. I could hear him screaming down the block as they rounded the corners. I'll get some photos later this week.

Today was Kindergarten Field Day at school. I included a few photos above. We took Anika and enjoyed a sunny day out on the soccer fields at school, while the kids did bean bag tosses and tug-of-war (see Nathan as the anchor.....) After Todd went to work, Lori and I took the three kids out to another park, then out for Chinese food, then home for ice cream. A really big day... Nathan had too much sun, and is a little pink. Time to break out the sun screen for all of us.

I have chemo again tomorrow - my sister's birthday, and the 19th anniversary of my graduation from high school. A memorable day . . . . too bad I have to get a dose of the poison, but I wanted to be "off" for the last day of school on Wednesday.

My spirits are good. I give the sunshine a lot of the credit, but we know where the Hope really comes from.

What can you DO??

I've had a nice couple of days. More on that later, when I download the photos.

For now I want to tell you all about some charitable opportunities that await you. I know many of you want to DO SOMETHING for me, and you are far away or whatever. A few people have made comments that this must be a big financial hardship for us, having just adopted Anika. The truth is, for many reasons, this is not a financial hardship. Insurance has covered everything. I have been the recipient of hundreds of hours of donated leave at work, generously shared by Federal employees around the country. We are fine.

If you are itching to do something for me, please consider one of the following.

Relay for Life - Your donations go to cancer research. I previously have posted Tabetha's information. The Grand Forks Relay for Life is June 1-2, so it's not too late to make an online donation, (which Old Navy will match, thus doubling your donation), but perhaps there is a Relay for Life near you.

Love Without Boundaries - LWB is a charitable organization that seeks to better the lives of orphans in China. They currently have an online auction going on, or you can sponsor a foster child through their program, make a one-time donation, etc. Obviously this is a cause that is very important to me.

Chinese Children Adoption International - CCAI is our adoption agency. We have fostered two children awaiting adoption in China through their foster program.

If none of those appeal to you (is your heart made of stone?) then there are more suggestions on Anika's web site.

In the meantime, keep up the encouraging emails and comments. They help a lot. If you just don't know what to say, visit the Circus of Cancer website. It will gently remind you (in words much nicer than those I would use) that although you are able to "get away" from the fact that I have cancer, I cannot. I face it every day, and there are many months to go.

Lost and Found

The days continue to just sort of ooze together..... I believe it is Thursday. Yesterday we took Anika for her first ever haircut. Julie at Benders in Palmer made the event special.... she made a big fuss, told us how cute Anika is, etc. The before-and-after photos are not strikingly different.... but we are no longer pushing the hair out of her face 100 times a day.

For you Anika fans, I updated her website a couple of days ago. Click here, then go to "Home Updates" and see what's new. There really are some cute new pictures of her modeling my sunglasses.

I made it to yoga today for the first time in about six weeks . . . a very very easy class, it felt good to move again. I am starting to get the chemo pudge, so I'd like to head that off if at all possible. It's amazing how quickly yoga can come back.... like riding a bike.

I found my "Nathan" bracelet today... it's been missing for months. I had given up on it. And Nathan was assigned the first grade teacher we requested... I guess it's the little things.

Oh, and a special thank you to Tabetha for replacing all the dead batteries in about ten baby toys last week.... it's like a musical wonderland in our house these days. :)

Fog in May

Thanks for the nice comments on the most recent photo. I think I look like Hell, so you are all really too kind. I'm starting to get the "why haven't you posted" emails, so I guess it's time for an update, for whatever it's worth.

The days all sort of blend together.... I think when we last met, it was Friday. Saturday the five of us (Todd, Tabetha, the kids and I) went out the the Mat-Su Relay for Life event. Most of the festivities were over, as I guess a lot of things happened Friday night, but we walked around the track and looked at all the luminaries. (Is that what the bags are called?) I saw one out there that said, "Ruth T. You Will OVERCOME!" I'm not sure if it was for me, but I suspect it was.... so thank you to whomever sponsored that symbol of healing. (Duh, I wish I'd taken a photo). On the left you can see a photo of Tabetha and Anika.... Anika in her pink running suit. Todd and Nathan and I all had pink bandannas on... how did we not get a photo of that? Don't forget, it's not too late to contribute to Tabetha's Relay for Life campaign, which is being held in Grand Forks June 1-2.

Tabetha left early Sunday morning. Todd had to work, so our friends Jon and Lynn came out and spent the day with me, helping with the kids. They are getting married June 29th, so this was good training. :)

Todd and the kids gave me the much-longed-for ipod for Mother's Day (pink!) and Nathan made a wonderful picture frame for me... it is precious.

Monday Laura and Andy came over in the afternoon. Laura once again just "whipped up" something amazing for dinner, and Andy helped Nathan restore all his Transformers to their former glory. (A task I could not do even with the directions). I am feeling really whipped lately so I don't know how I would be doing this without so much help. Todd is off work for the next three days so we are just keeping things low key and watching some mindless television.... a rare luxuury.

What day is it?

I take so many naps I lose track of the days. The Taxol was easier, but the Neulasta shot is the same old crap...... I feel terrible. At least I know it will pass quickly.

For those of you indulging in the fantasy that I still look like the photo on the right, here's a recent shot of Anika and me, taken a couple of days ago.

There is a Light at the end of the Tunnel

And it's not a train.

Taxol was easy today. They gave me Benadryl in the iv bag and I fell asleep DURING chemo. That has never happened before! (Sorry Stephanie, I think I fell asleep while we were talking). My boss also stopped by, so it was a nice surprise to see him. I could tell my speech was slurred from all the drugs, and I was trying to be articulate and failing miserably. ;) Came home and slept and slept. Going to bed soon. But no signs of the horrible feelings that followed AC and ONLY THREE MORE TO GO. May 22, June 6 and June 20. Get your front row seats now. Surgery in July as soon as I can arrange it, and this nightmare will be almost over.

Going to read Nathan a book and hit the sack.....

And Now a Word from our Sponsors

It's Tuesday........ the day before chemo......and I managed NOT to overdo it today or try to accomplish a month-long to-do list in one day. Having Tabetha here is so great....the ratio of three adults to two kids is PERFECT. ;) (Especially when one of the adults wants to work in a 2 hour nap every afternoon).

Anyway, I'd like to send out a big thank-you to several of the people who are keeping me going through all of this. Our Tuesday dinners are being sponsored by several of my friends (I'm honestly not even sure exactly who is financing this little project, besides Bev and Catherine, but it is the BEST). Meals are being prepared by Amy Ippolito, a Pampered Chef consultant and a fabulous cook. She brought us Rosemary Chicken Skewers tonight. Everything she has prepared for us has been SO GOOD, and we love our weekly visits with Amy when she brings by dinner in the evening. (We hear her family also likes Tuesdays, as she usually makes something special for them. We were sorry to hear they had LEFTOVERS tonight!)

I also went for more acupuncture today. Mike Wedge has been giving me weekly treatments since I started chemo, and also has prescribed Chinese herbs to boost my immune system and kick the nausea during this long process. I firmly believe these two things have helped me feel relatively good the past few weeks. The nausea is gone, and although I am tired.... I don't feel terrible. Although I feel like a big wimp because I haven't been going to work or exercising, he assures me that I am holding up better than many people he sees half-way through chemo. Mike also offers Thermograms, which can be a useful tool in detecting breast cancer early.

Yesterday we went to Anchorage to have Jennifer Hughes take photos of the kids, Tabetha and the kids, and we ended up doing a family photo with the pink bandanna... Jen also took the photo you see on the right. If you live in Alaska and you haven't been photographed by this talented woman, you need to make an appointment. She is absolutely the best. And she is a wonderful person.

Also, DON'T FORGET TO VISIT TABETHA'S RELAY FOR LIFE PAGE.

I start a new medication, Taxol, tomorrow. It is reportedly "easier" to tolerate than the rat poison they gave me the last five times, so we'll see. My eyebrows, eyelashes, and fingernails may fall off.... but the hair on my head already seems to be growing back. Bizarre.

Reinforcements

Tabetha made it in about 10 hours late on Saturday morning, after being stuck in Seattle overnight. (The pilot "took ill" and her Friday night flight was cancelled). BIG thanks to Alaska Airlines for the free food vouchers, considering all the restaurants at SEA-TAC were closed that time of night. (Note the sarcasm).

Anyway it's great to have Tabetha here. She knows where everything is.... the kids love her.... she cleans. :)

Anika gave me her cold. I took a three hour nap on Saturday. Otherwise, no big news. Taking the kids in to Jennifer for professional photos tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have those to share with you soon.

Are those leaves? Is that hair? Friday ramblings...

I didn't post yesterday because my day reached a new level of boring that was not bloggable. It was nice, though. I did some laundry, made some chicken salad, took a nap with Anika. Todd went with Nathan on a field trip to the Reindeer farm, where they learned the difference between a Reindeer and a Caribou. Anybody know?

Todd's sister arrives late tonight to help us out for eight days. I am so excited! So I had to delve into our guest room to remove all the "stuff" that just sort of accumulates in there. Nature hates a vacuum, you know. It is laundry-folding-central, so perhaps we will have to consider folding the laundry as it comes out of the dryer while we have a houseguest. (Don't tell the Flylady.)

In other news, I was getting ready for bed last night and I took off my bandanna.... and I looked.... and I think my hair is growing. Todd agreed. Now you have to understand it is hard to tell, because it never finished falling out. I have had stubble this whole time, albeit very sparse. (Would not have made for a nice head of hair, so I'm still glad I shaved it). So it's hard to tell, but the stubble seemed longer yesterday. Then this morning I got up and after two evenings of rain, there are buds on the trees!!!!! Coincidence????

Overdid it

I woke up feeling great, and of course overdid it today. I had acupuncture, which I believe is keeping my body on some sort of even keel...... but I crashed and burned by 6 p.m., overwhelmed by all I tried to accomplish. Oh well..... the word from Kayla is that she rallied today, so I was overjoyed.

Tuesday

Have you noticed how my blog titles have gotten less and less catchy?

I drove the van today. Big excitement, since I haven't driven since last week. Really nothing to report, but I know some of you are checking daily... no news is good news today. We went for a walk tonight and met a neighbor we hadn't met before, who has a little girl Nathan's age. They hit it off great, so he has a new playmate.

I keep forgetting to post.... Nathan told me a couple of weeks ago: "Mom, you're beautiful..... not as beautiful as you were BEFORE you lost your hair, but you're still pretty."

My kids crack me up.

I'll add this to the margin somewhere, but if anybody wants to contact me you can reach me at ruthdiane@gmail.com (if you already have my Yahoo address, continue to use that....)