Brin

I just today learned of Brin's passing earlier this month. I did not "know" her, but we exchanged one set of moving emails in early 2007, the topic of which is too personal to share.

She posted this message later in 2007. I just saw it moments ago, and had to share it with you.

Victory? Well, I did have mine. As I lay gasping for air in this horrible seizure, I was, gruesomely, conscious. I could hear my own horrible breathing growing more and more infrequent. The only time I have ever heard someone breathe like that is when my grandmother died. I thought that was it for me. I have never wanted air so much. I could feel my husband's tears dripping down my face, and I chose to exhale and tell him that I loved him. I chose love over breath itself. Do the same if you have to. Be strong.

Once again I feel as though I just missed knowing a truly amazing person.


Rest in Peace, Brin.

Courtney

Courtney Paige Clevenger died at 12:25 am on Monday September 15, 2008 at the age of 23, three years to the day after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the "little sister" of the YSC. Many of us feel we are young. She was 20 at diagnosis. A baby.

My great uncle George passed five minutes earlier, one state away. I know if Courtney didn't know the way, George was there to show her. There are many happy reunions in Heaven today, and a lot of sad people left here.

The Stages of POST-cancer

A woman named Nicole recently wrote this. It sums up post-cancer life nicely.

This is my take on the stages after treatment:

Stage 1 after treatment : What do you mean there is nothing else I can do? Let me do more chemo. I'm never going to eat sugar again and I'll eat flaxx seed everyday. I've got to raise $10,000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and ride my bike 200 miles in 4 days to help people with cancer.

Stage 2 after treatment: Shouldn't I feel happy? I'll cry at my post chemo party if I want to.

Stage 3 after treatment: I feel agitated and annoyed at everything and nothing. You mean that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not just for soldiers? Lack of sleep is not helping anything.

Stage 4 after treatment: I'm pulling out all my retirement money and doing whatever in the hell I want. I envy the mundane problems of everyday life but have very little patience when it comes to listening about them. No tolerance for bullshit and shitty family and friends.

Stage 5 after treatment: I have all the symptoms on the internet. I just know my cancer is back. If the cancer is not back, why do I feel this way? Am I a hypochondriac?

Stage 6 after treatment: Is there pink everywhere? I hate pink. Cancer follows me everywhere. I wish people would quit asking if my hair is naturally curly ..... no it's unnaturally (there is nothing natural about chemo) curly and it's currently looks like sheep ass.

Stage 7 after treatment: I just need to get away from all this cancer stuff. Did all that stuff really happen to me? Maybe if I stay off the boards and stay busy I'll "get over it" faster. See ya everyone .... I'll be at Target.

Stage 8: The person looking back in the mirror looks and feels very different. I don't think things will ever be the same. The "old me" is never coming back (sniffle). How come everyone else doesn't realize it and why do they keep saying that I am back to normal?

This is as far as I've gotten.

Is this similar to how other people have felt? I know that there are very individual experiences but I think that we have a common thread. I still bounce back and forth from stage to stage but have been generally moving forward.

I'm interested to know if people have additional things to add and if those who are further out have more stages that follow. A little warning of upcoming meltdowns is always nice.

Paying it Forward

So I had a phone call today - not the first of its kind, and probably not the last.

A friend of a friend has cancer..... can she call me? Can we give her your blog address?

Of course she can. Of course you can.

If nothing else, the links over on the right are useful.

Regarding dealing with cancer, I can't say it better than Cathy O'Brien said it:

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

If you are a woman with breast cancer, feel free to contact me. Or visit this bulletin board to meet other survivors like you.

In other news, I put my wigs in the mail today. I sent them to a friend in Florida who has had a recurrence. This represents a leap of faith for me - parting with the wigs I never wore, with the hope that I will never want them back. Please pray for Amanda.

Danica

Danica died this morning. They did not find a bone marrow donor in time. She suffered cardiac arrest. She was 32.

I guess that last entry wasn't the end of cancer for me. I'm in too deep. I care too much.