Onc Rehab - Day 12

Day 12 was uneventful other than that I actually showed up to work out two days before Christmas.

That, and my ipod has gone missing. Hopefully I left it there.

I weighed 144.2 pounds. Hopefully Christmas eating does not undo all that I have done.

By the way

Yesterday marked 2 years since I got "the call."

I'm still here. Screw you, cancer.

Day 11

Thought you might like to see my weight loss progress from fitday.com. The straight line is my weight loss goal. The other line is my actual weight over time. I'm weighing in on three different scales, so it's probably not entirely accurate. I should probably pick one.

Shockingly, I am right on target.

Day 11 went well. My legs hurt a lot, probably from running or new shoes or (get this) running in new shoes..... but they feel better after I work out and stretch, so I press on.

Watching the calories. It's hard this time of year because people keep sticking cookies under my nose. I'm not refusing, but I'm watching portions.

I am starting to resemble my pre-cancer self.

Day 10 - Half-Way Point

I am half done with oncology rehab.

I have lost four pounds.

I can now open jars (something I was often unable to do since my bilateral mastectomy).

I have purchased running shoes. I run intervals on the treadmill.

I am wearing my smaller fat pants.

I see progress, and this has been worth it. But I'll be glad when it's over.

Day 9

I'm almost half way through onc rehab. I ran intervals again today.

I weighed 145.2 pounds on the rehab scale. I am now officially in the "healthy" range (107-145.6).

I learned that my shoes weigh a whole pound. So with shoes, I'm still "overweight."

Thanks to www.fitday.com, I've also learned that corn is not worth it.

But shrimp is. So is salmon.

I'm wearing my smaller fat pants now. Woohoo!

Oncology Rehab - Day 8

I went early in the day on an empty stomach to onc rehab, rather than late in the day, a few hours after lunch...... so I don't know if the scale is to be trusted. . . But I weighed 146.6 pounds on the onc rehab scale this morning! After I left I went to my regular gym for a shower before work, and I weighed 145 on the scale there! I'll go with the higher number for now, and use the gym scale as my ace-in-the-hole on February 7th if I need it. :)

And get this - I RAN today. I did the treadmill for 30 minutes, alternating one minute of running, two minutes of walking fast...... it at least gave me something to focus on and made the time go faster. It also gave me an excuse to have bought my new "running shoes" earlier this week. Those of you who know me well know that I'm no runner.

And no - the onc rehab people didn't tell me to do intervals. I read it in a magazine yesterday. I hope my insurance company isn't reading my blog....

Oncology Rehab - Day 7

My weight on the onc rehab scale was 147.8 yesterday. Normally I wouldn't get excited about a 1.2 pound loss in a week, but given that I did that OVER THANKSGIVING, I now feel I'm getting a grip on this.

Plus, I seem to be creeping down at a rate roughly equivalent to my little chart on fitday, so I"m going to keep doing what I'm doing: 5 workouts a week - 2 of those include weightlifting. 30-40 minutes of cardio all 5 days.

More importantly, I think, I am watching the intake. I am staying out of the candy dish at work. I am honestly reporting my calories on fitday, and am hovering around 1500 calories per day. I must have been consuming 2300 before, given the aforementioned candy dish, the hot chocolate, the buttery biscuit breakfast........ etc.

I had an email from a friend yesterday who said she thought a goal of 15 pounds lost in 3 months was too optimistic, and perhaps I should lower my expectations to 1 or 2 pounds per month. I disagree. 1-2 pounds of loss per week is a reasonable goal, according to my sources. I have 10 weeks to work with, so 20 pounds would be a reasonable goal. I think 15 is very do-able.

As for onc rehab itself....... well basically it's just a spendy gym membership at this point. If I had to pay my copay of $15 per session, it would not be worth it. (I have double-insurance). I am completely autonomous at this point....... all they do for me is check my blood pressure (which is always low).

Note to Self

Heading into Thanksgiving is probably not the time to start closely paying attention to the calories consumed.....

OK, maybe it is a good time. But I am seriously reconsidering doing any Christmas baking this year.

Online fitness tracking

I've discovered www.fitday.com

Your BMI: 25.58

A BMI between 25 and 30 is considered overweight.

The healthy weight range for your height is between 107.8 lbs and 145.6 lbs.
Your weight is 3.4 lbs above the healthy range.

I've put in all my information, with a goal of weighing 134 pounds by February 8, 2009. (We're leaving on a cruise that day) :)

It has the potential to either inspire me or piss me off. WE shall see.

Oncology Rehab - Day 6

I want to quit.

I resent being a "cancer patient" again.

Recently I got into a cyber-argument with someone (someone who is dying of metastatic cancer...... so I wasn't really arguing, but more on the receiving end of her anger) about whether it's appropriate to use the word "cure" in relation to breast cancer.

I don't think it is. She thinks those of us who are NED ("no evidence of disease") are an ungrateful bunch who should consider ourselves "cured" until further notice. I'm paraphrasing. And I don't begrudge her her anger. She's had a piss-poor deal thanks to cancer, and it sucks and I wouldn't trade my survivor guilt to be in her shoes for a minute.

But it got me thinking ALOT about how cancer has changed me, and whether she is right - should I say I am "cured" because there are no tumors to find anywhere? It seems, to me, to be disrespectful to those who will die of breast cancer to say, "Well, I'm cured." For me, if there is no cure for ALL, there is no cure yet.

Not that I don't realize how lucky I am. Because I do. I really do.

But anyway, all of this was rattling around in my head when I got to rehab yesterday. So I was in a pissy mood. I don't want to be a cancer patient. But I don't feel whole - and wonder if I ever will. Maybe when the scars fade, or when I don't take a handfull of pills every day in 2012. The girls could tell I was in a bad mood. Mainly because I told them.

So I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I remember now what shin splints felt like back when I was dancing in A Christmas Carol. Then I pushed through as much of the weight training as I had time for before the forced relaxation.

(For the record, there is little if any yoga in this program, which they advertised, and which I was excited about).

So the very kind woman who supervises these rehab sessions tells me "you just HAVE to stay for the meditation. I picked out this CD just for you." So what could I say? I assumed the position, and they tucked me into my warm blankie........lilac-scented eye pillow in place..... and the droning began.

I don't know who the woman is who does these meditation CD's, but her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. And guess what - you saw this coming - it was the "Anger" Affirmations from Day 1.

I removed my eye pillow, parted with the warm blanket, and stealthily sneaked out the door.

Ah, freedom!

Screw you, cancer.

Onc Rehab - Day 5

So Friday was Day 5 of oncology rehab. I am 1/4 of the way through the program, and don't have much to show for it so far.

I hate that effing NuStep machine. I also hate how I jiggle when I walk. Although I guess it is better than it was.

Weight is still holding steady. We calculated my resting heart rate at 85, which is "poor" on the fitness charts. I'm going to investigate what, if anything, needs to be done about that. As I mentioned back in the day, chemo is cardio-toxic, so it's not surprising that my resting heart rate is higher than it should be. But I expected it to be better than "poor" after 14 months of steady workouts. I guess I should try and find out what it was 14 months ago and see if there has been improvement.

It just seems like somebody should be scanning or doing whatever heart tests to make sure chemo doesn't give me heart failure. I hate that we, as patients, have to be so proactive. Otherwise they just put you on the assembly line and pat your head as you go by..... it's infuriating.

I was a slug over the weekend, although I have to think that chasing kids, doing laundry, and running up and down the stairs 100 times a day must count for something.

I only did 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. The dog at my PB&J that I had ready for my breakfast, so I was running on an empty tank.

OH, and an interesting new development: Coke and Diet Coke make me sick to my stomach. What's that about?

I'm still fighting off the cold I've had for a month. I've had two rounds of antibiotics for an ear infection, and my right ear still isn't quite right.

OK, It might have been a slight exaggeration to say "follow me, it'll be fun." :)

Follow Me

If you look to the right, right under the bunny ears, there is a "follow me" option. I think you have to be a blogger member to do this, though I'm not sure about that. Anyway, right now I have zero followers, and that is pathetic, so if I don't get some followers soon I'm going to remove the widget.

Meanwhile, I worked out - 30 minutes of cardio each day on Wednesday and Thursday. Back to onc rehab today.

I'm not losing any weight, but (and this may be my imagination) I seem to be less like a bowl full of jelly lately.

Follow me. It'll be fun.

Onc Rehab - Day 4

Monday I did 30 minutes of cardio on my own.

Then back to onc rehab on Tuesday. 25 minutes on that damn NuStep. My resistance was set at 5, and I think that was too high because my back hurt when I was done.

I did most of my weight training and some crunches, and then was running short on time, so worked in only 11 minutes on the treadmill at the end. It really should have been 20 minutes.

Then back to the gym this morning for 35 minutes on the treadmill.

The scale isn't budging. But it's not going up, either.

I need to do a food diary and have the dietician look at it. But I've had this damn cold for over 3 weeks, and food has not been appealing........ so my guess is I'm not eating enough. I recently switched my breakfast from oatmeal to a scrambled egg with biscuit and a slice of bacon to up my protein after my morning workout. I suppose I could do without the biscuit. But the biscuit is the best part....

Oncology rehab - Day 3

I realized I haven't posted a recent pic of me. Here I am on Halloween. I dyed my hair red about a week before Halloween, and so far only 4 people have noticed.... so it either looks really bad or really natural. Who knows.

Oncology rehab Day 3 went well. I am fighting off a cold I've had for three weeks, but I still managed 30 minutes of hard cardio and all the weight training. Holding steady at 149 on their scale.

Going to these sessions has reminded me how "lucky" I am. I'm by far the healthiest, thinnest, probably fittest person there. I almost feel like I stumbled into the wrong gym. Unfortunate, of course, but I guess if that's what it takes to make me feel better about myself, so be it. I'm getting an attitude adjustment if nothing else.

I guess this is one of the "benefits" of getting cancer when you are young and otherwise healthy: you bounce back a lot faster. If you get to bounce back at all, that is.

In between thoughts

So apparently somebody is still reading the blog. I've learned that some of my YSC sisters are following along, and would like more detail about oncology rehab. Some cannot find such a program in their area, and some just cannot afford the copay required, so they are doing it on their own.

Have I mentioned that I think the U.S. health care insurance system sucks? I've been very fortunate that cancer has not bankrupted us. Not true for all. I will be curious to see if President Obama has any luck improving the system.

That being said, I continue to be amazed by the quality of care I have received in Alaska. I feel like I live in the boonies, but some people in the lower 48 cannot find oncology rehab or even a decent plastic surgeon. I've had both.

Some things I have learned so far at onc rehab:

Cardio, cardio cardio. They have doubled the amount of cardio I was doing on my own. I was doing 20 minutes a day. They are asking for 40. Not only is cardio your ticket to losing the weight, but the heart needs to recover from chemotherapy. Remember, adriamyacin is cardio-toxic. And most young women with breast cancer get the Red Devil. My resting heart rate is about 85, and should ideally be down in the 60's. Also, maintaining a healthy weight is important in avoiding recurrence.

Calculate your target heart rate (different for everyone) and work hard enough to get to it. If you don't get it up there, you're wasting your time on the treadmill.

They took me off the elliptical machine and put me on the treadmill and the NuStep. Although all are cardio, the elliptical is not weight-bearing, and I need weight-bearing exercise, they said. They didn't say why, but I assume it is to both build strength and for strong bones - osteopenia and osteoporosis are both hazards of early cancer. Or, from the treatment, I suppose. I'm a little unclear on how a treadmill is "weight bearing" but whatever.

When you get to weight training (after that 40 minutes of cardio), exercise each side separately. I learned I can lift 20 more pounds with my left leg than with my right. So by working both legs together on the leg press (for the past year), my left leg probably was doing more work the whole time. The goal is to balance them out.

To calculate how much weight to lift on each machine, they had me do the exercises one repetition at a time, adding weight until they found my "max" for each side. Then they took 1/2 of the max of the weaker side, and that is where I am starting my weight training. So for example: I could lift 50 pounds with my right leg, and 70 pounds with my left leg on the leg extension. So I am starting both legs at 25 pounds.

To improve balance and work my core, I am lifting hand weights while standing on Dynadisks. Dynadisks are round, squishy disks that rest on the floor. It makes lifting a 4 pound weight altogether more challenging, because you are trying to maintain form while not falling down.

I managed 30 minutes of cardio on Wednesday and Thursday this week, and go back for more onc rehab on Friday.

Oncology rehab - Day 2

I showed up. 149 pounds.

5 minute warmup.
20 minutes on the treadmill at a good clip.
15 minutes on something called the NuStep, which looks like this:



It was evil.

A bunch of weight training and crunches.

The physical therapist actually told me how "lucky" I am to have implants, because as I get older, they will have so much support under my pec muscles.

Whatever.

Oncology Rehab - Day 1

So I had a bad attitude.

I was driving to my first oncology rehab session, and I was pissed off. I wasn't sure why. In retrospect, I didn't want to immerse myself in cancer again. I knew going to this class that I would be participating with other cancer patients - many of whom are closer to treatment than I. And I was right. There were people there carrying oxygen tanks. Women with no hair. Generally, people who looked wan and tired and, well...... they looked like cancer patients. And I sooooo don't want to be a cancer patient any more.

And even though I've been hitting the gym hard, 3-4 times a week for the past year.... they still had to take my blood pressure before they would let me get on a treadmill.

Then...... oh no, don't walk too fast! 3.0 miles per hour for the first 5 minutes. I felt myself becoming more and more uncooperative by the minute. But I was also happy to see a friend there, and catch up with her. (Thanks, Jeannie, for referring me to onc rehab in the first place).

After 20 minutes on the treadmill - which is facing the windows and a beautiful mountain view - I moved on to weights and range-of-motion exercises. I learned that I can lift 20 more pounds with my left leg than with my right. Interesting. I learned that my balance is not so good. I learned that even though my range of motion after bilateral mastectomy is good, it could be better. And today - two days later - I'm really feeling that workout, so obviously they knew what they were doing.

The last half hour of the two-hour session consisted of a little yoga, and a guided meditation. Normally I'm into that sort of thing, but when they put on the meditation CD I was surprised to hear that the meditation/affirmations had to do with "anger management." I thought - what the HELL? Do they just assume that every cancer patient is angry? My blood pressure started to go up again, and as I listened to the CD I realized: Surprise. I am angry.

I'm angry about what cancer has done to my body. In a million little ways, and a couple of big ways. I'm angry that I didn't get the big epiphany that I had hoped was coming with a potentially terminal illness. I'm angry that of the hundreds of wonderful young women that I have met because of cancer, I will probably live to watch more than half of them die - and I'm angry that that very fact makes me one of the lucky ones. And yes, I am angry because some people didn't show up for this like they could have.

So apparently there is still work to do.

19 more onc rehab sessions. I'll keep you posted.

Oncology Rehab - Who Knew?

So for the past year I've been trying to pull my body back together all by myself. Meanwhile, the oncologist bitches about every 3 pounds I gain (she sees me every six months). Despite working out 4 days a week on my own, I have not gained back all my strength or lost any of the Tamoxifen-weight I have gained. I am sick of doctors telling me Tamoxifen does not make you gain weight - because every young survivor that I know has gained at least 20 pounds on it.

So guess what - if you are fat, you have a higher risk of cancer recurrence. But they give you drugs that make you fat. Go figure.

By way of reference, I weighed 135 pounds at diagnosis in December 2006. All reports are this was a good weight for me, (although I preferred my 126 pounds from the pre-Nathan era).

After two surgeries I was down to 118 pounds from the stress of it all. Although I love being that thin, nobody thought I looked good.

I managed to maintain through chemo though I never really weighed myself.

Then, in AUgust 2007, I started TAmoxifen. It took me awhile to catch on.... but I finally realized I was gaining about a pound a week. I managed to head it off by stepping up my workouts, but I couldn't lose anything.

I quit weighing myself daily when I hit 150 pounds last week.

And then I discovered this: Oncology Rehabilitation

Improve and enhance your quality of life during cancer treatment and recovery through a prescriptive exercise rehabilitation program. Our comprehensive 10-week program combines aerobic exercise, muscle strengthening, relaxation techniques and range of motion exercises. We also incorporate mind and body healing through guided imagery, meditation and use of affirmations. A licensed physical therapist and registered nurse, both with extensive experience and training in oncology rehabilitation, supervise the classes. Each participant will receive an initial assessment, individualized plan and exercise prescription in addition to the 10-week group classes. A physician referral is required to participate in the program.

Our program also offers lymphedema services using complete decongestive therapy techniques and garment fitting by our certified lymphedema therapist.
The program welcomes participants at any time- from their initial cancer diagnosis through survivorship. Staff RN and Physical Therapists are available Monday - Friday between 8 a.m. - 5 p.m..

And guess what. Insurance pays for this.

So why, I ask, did my oncologist not refer me to this program? Who the Hell knows.

I had my initial assessment yesterday, and I start my twice-weekly classes on Friday.

Many thanks to my boss for understanding my additional 6 hour absence each week to make this happen.

Happy Halloween

The Real Breast Cancer Barbie

Breast cancer survivors have a love/hate relationship with the month of October and all the pink crap. While many of us are sick and tired of having pink ribbons shoved in our faces at every retail turn.... I think most of us also realize we have the pink ribbon to thank for the extensive research and attention breast cancer receives. Other lower-profile diseases are not so "lucky."

But Mattel's Pink Ribbon Barbie pushes many of us over the edge.



So, tongue-in-cheek, a YSC sister made her own "breast cancer barbie" a couple of years ago. Here are the photos, complete with her narration:

As requested with a place of her own:

Ladies here she is the real Breast Cancer Barbie (in progress)
You can't really see the dark circles under her eyes or her ashen colored cheeks and her mastectomy is not complete yet- the bondo has to dry, but I thought I'd let you know that I've been putting our thoughts into action.

From the new photos you can see that Barbie has gained weight considerably, predominantly in the hips, ass and pouch area. She is sporting a paper "modesty vest" and two drains and a gauze wrap tube-top bandage. She also has her lymphedema wrap, IV drip, port, and has had some blood work done. Her toe nails and finger nails are unfortunately turning black and there is some concern that she may loose a nail or two. She is leery of going to far away from the toilet, can't remember if she took her pills today and is depressed that she doesn't have ovaries and can't have a baby. She also found out that Ken cheated on her with a lady cop and that he's a coke head. Her path report is looking OK but the bills are piling up and she is too sick to work, but has to keep working to keep medical insurance. Hot flashes are keeping her up all night and she wonders if she should call her old flame GI Joe when he comes home on leave from Iraq- but will he still want her? Her sex drive is gone, she's scarred-up and bald and twenty pounds over weight. Her body hurts, she feels as if she is loosing her mind, she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Yelled at Skipper for asking her if she wanted to go the Town House this weekend for a party, then cried afterwards. Drove pink Corvette to Jack in the Box for drive through burgers and a chocolate shake for dinner. Staying in tonight and watching trashy movies by self. Thank goodness she has a cat and the YSC for support.

French Dip for the Cure

Eat Red Meat. Raise Awareness.

If you order a french dip sandwich at the cafeteria in my building this month, for $3.95, the cafeteria will give $.95 to the Komen foundation.

95 cents.

Why not the whole buck?

Think Before You Pink

Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company that purports to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon campaign, but manufactures products that are linked to the disease.

BCA uses the term “pinkwashers” to refer to companies that say they care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon campaign, but manufacture products that are contributing to the epidemic. Yoplait, for example, asks women to support the breast cancer cause by eating yogurt. But the yogurt is made with dairy from cows that have been treated with the artificial growth hormone rBGH. There are numerous health concerns surrounding the use of rBGH, and breast cancer is one of them.

Car companies that encourage consumers to buy and drive cars in the name of breast cancer are also pinkwashers, as car exhaust contains chemicals that are linked to the disease. And, cosmetics companies that make products with parabens, phthalates, or other ingredients linked to breast cancer are pinkwashing when they put the pink ribbon on their products.

This October, Think Before You Pink is urging pinkwashers to clean up their act. Join us by asking Yoplait to go rBGH-free.

Think Before You Pink

Dying to Be Heard

Thoughts during this month of pink ribbons .......

January 1, 2003

Dying to Be Heard
Sharon Robbins
In Memorium
October 10, 2003



During the month of October we are bombarded with the message that early detection of breast cancer equals cure...that anyone surviving five years from diagnosis is, indeed cured. This year, I have decided to speak out. Like many other women, I believed that when my breast cancer was detected early and I had the most aggressive treatment available, I had done my job and could look forward to the rest of my life. I believed the early detection message. I was 45 years old. I was even pronounced cured by the doctor who was my oncologist at that time.

But like so many others...thousands of others every year...I was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer after celebrating that five year anniversary. After the initial shock, I was certain that I would be dead within eighteen months. That's what every article I could find on the internet said. That was over two years ago. I am one of the lucky ones. Up to this point, my cancer has responded well to treatment. I was even one of the ones who went into remission due to new drugs and therapies. But what about tomorrow? Like thousands of others, I will never be cured. Because, you see, cancer that has metastasized is not only deadly; it is a very crafty foe. It can mutate and learn how to get around the roadblocks that any given treatment throws in its path. Today it may be in your liver, tomorrow your spine. Like thousands of others, my only hope of continued survival is to have new drugs developed and new treatments that can stay one step ahead of my cancer. It doesn't have to be a death sentence. We can continue to live productive lives, but only if the research is there.

When survivors are discussed, no one ever hears about us. They don't want to hear about us. We are the hidden survivors. We are your wives, your mothers, your daughters. We are you.today or tomorrow. We are dying to be heard.

If breast cancer can truly now be considered a chronic illness, why are we still dying at a rate of more than 43,000 every year? It is a deadly disease, and a pretty pink ribbon cannot make it go away. We are in that success statistic if we have survived for five years. Some days we don't feel very successful.

We live with breast cancer every day of our uncertain lives until it finally takes us from our families and loved ones. If we are one of the lucky ones, that is often after years of debilitating treatment that makes the phrase quality of life absolutely ridiculous and has drained our families of any financial security they may have had. If we are fortunate enough to survive until we are eligible for Medicare, we face the knowledge that our prescription drug bill will be astronomical and we will no longer have medical insurance that covers it. If, and when, a new drug is finally approved by the FDA, it can be six months or more before Medicare will pay for it. How many women die in that six months because they can't afford the treatment? We are dying to be heard.

It is time to see more funding and emphasis for both first line and metastatic treatment, not just for awareness. There are now more graves from women who have died since 1991 from breast cancer than the total graves in Arlington Cemetery. Our doctors tell us that we don't have to worry about breast cancer until we are older. Is it acceptable to die just because we are over 50? I don't think so. I am not ready to die. As I write this, I am awaiting the arrival of my first grandchild. I would like to be here for her. But age isn't even the true story. Tell that story to the young woman who was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer when breastfeeding her first child. Tell that to my stepdaughter who, at 33, and about to have her first child, looks at the future with fear because her grandmother, mother, and now her stepmother have all had stage IV breast cancer..each at a much younger age. I am the only one still here. Tell that to a husband who is now raising his two children alone, getting them ready to start first and third grade. They are dying to be heard.

43,000 of us dead every year. That is half the population of Henderson County, North Carolina, each year, every year. Imagine losing every single person in the county, in the space of two years. That is what breast cancer can do, and will continue to do until we look for answers. Not just slogans, real answers. We are dying for them to be found.

Please help speak for us. Contact your Senators and Congressmen. We need funding for breast cancer research, not just awareness campaigns. We are dying.

Click here.

Secrets

We all have them.

I enjoy reading PostSecret.com every Monday..... they post new secrets on Sundays.

These two seemed appropriate to share with you here.

Brin

I just today learned of Brin's passing earlier this month. I did not "know" her, but we exchanged one set of moving emails in early 2007, the topic of which is too personal to share.

She posted this message later in 2007. I just saw it moments ago, and had to share it with you.

Victory? Well, I did have mine. As I lay gasping for air in this horrible seizure, I was, gruesomely, conscious. I could hear my own horrible breathing growing more and more infrequent. The only time I have ever heard someone breathe like that is when my grandmother died. I thought that was it for me. I have never wanted air so much. I could feel my husband's tears dripping down my face, and I chose to exhale and tell him that I loved him. I chose love over breath itself. Do the same if you have to. Be strong.

Once again I feel as though I just missed knowing a truly amazing person.


Rest in Peace, Brin.

Courtney

Courtney Paige Clevenger died at 12:25 am on Monday September 15, 2008 at the age of 23, three years to the day after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the "little sister" of the YSC. Many of us feel we are young. She was 20 at diagnosis. A baby.

My great uncle George passed five minutes earlier, one state away. I know if Courtney didn't know the way, George was there to show her. There are many happy reunions in Heaven today, and a lot of sad people left here.

The Stages of POST-cancer

A woman named Nicole recently wrote this. It sums up post-cancer life nicely.

This is my take on the stages after treatment:

Stage 1 after treatment : What do you mean there is nothing else I can do? Let me do more chemo. I'm never going to eat sugar again and I'll eat flaxx seed everyday. I've got to raise $10,000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and ride my bike 200 miles in 4 days to help people with cancer.

Stage 2 after treatment: Shouldn't I feel happy? I'll cry at my post chemo party if I want to.

Stage 3 after treatment: I feel agitated and annoyed at everything and nothing. You mean that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not just for soldiers? Lack of sleep is not helping anything.

Stage 4 after treatment: I'm pulling out all my retirement money and doing whatever in the hell I want. I envy the mundane problems of everyday life but have very little patience when it comes to listening about them. No tolerance for bullshit and shitty family and friends.

Stage 5 after treatment: I have all the symptoms on the internet. I just know my cancer is back. If the cancer is not back, why do I feel this way? Am I a hypochondriac?

Stage 6 after treatment: Is there pink everywhere? I hate pink. Cancer follows me everywhere. I wish people would quit asking if my hair is naturally curly ..... no it's unnaturally (there is nothing natural about chemo) curly and it's currently looks like sheep ass.

Stage 7 after treatment: I just need to get away from all this cancer stuff. Did all that stuff really happen to me? Maybe if I stay off the boards and stay busy I'll "get over it" faster. See ya everyone .... I'll be at Target.

Stage 8: The person looking back in the mirror looks and feels very different. I don't think things will ever be the same. The "old me" is never coming back (sniffle). How come everyone else doesn't realize it and why do they keep saying that I am back to normal?

This is as far as I've gotten.

Is this similar to how other people have felt? I know that there are very individual experiences but I think that we have a common thread. I still bounce back and forth from stage to stage but have been generally moving forward.

I'm interested to know if people have additional things to add and if those who are further out have more stages that follow. A little warning of upcoming meltdowns is always nice.

Paying it Forward

So I had a phone call today - not the first of its kind, and probably not the last.

A friend of a friend has cancer..... can she call me? Can we give her your blog address?

Of course she can. Of course you can.

If nothing else, the links over on the right are useful.

Regarding dealing with cancer, I can't say it better than Cathy O'Brien said it:

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

If you are a woman with breast cancer, feel free to contact me. Or visit this bulletin board to meet other survivors like you.

In other news, I put my wigs in the mail today. I sent them to a friend in Florida who has had a recurrence. This represents a leap of faith for me - parting with the wigs I never wore, with the hope that I will never want them back. Please pray for Amanda.

Danica

Danica died this morning. They did not find a bone marrow donor in time. She suffered cardiac arrest. She was 32.

I guess that last entry wasn't the end of cancer for me. I'm in too deep. I care too much.

The End?

I made a giant leap in my personal emotional healing from all this cancer crap: I deleted all my links to all things cancer-related on both of my computers. This may not seem like a big deal..... but having all those links in my Favorites just made me feel like cancer was defining my life - still. I don't want that.

So ending this blog is the next logical step. I started this blog because I didn't have the time or energy to keep everyone up-to-date on how I was. It also was kind of cathartic for me to just put all the ugly facts out there so I didn't have to carry them around with me all the time. Timelines, statistics, surgery dates, more surgery dates, chemo side-effects.... by putting it here in writing - once - I felt I was unloading it all without constantly reliving it.

But now...... I don't need to do it, and I don't think you need to read it.

This does not mean I don't want individual, personal relationships with people. I do, and I actually feel this blog may be getting in the way.

To my friends who I have met because of cancer: I am not abandoning you. I still want to hear from you and know how you are. But I want to find out if our friendship is in spite of cancer, rather than because of it.

Thank you for all for helping me lighten the load by reading, and carrying the burden a little for me.

I'm going to leave this blog online, but please join me and my family for happy thoughts and pictures at our family blog. You can reach me at my Yahoo email address, if you have it, or at ruthdiane@gmail.com.

And in case you are wondering, I'm keeping the Danskos.

Jayme

Jayme is gone
Please pray for her family. Her death is untimely, brutal, and devastating.

Godspeed, Jayme.

Done?

I almost hate to jinx it.... but I think I'm "done" with reconstruction. What do I mean by "done"? If you are NOT squeamish and really want to know, click here. (WARNING: link takes you to foobie pics. Not mine!) I had my last meeting with the plastic surgeon today, after putting the final touches on the reconstruction two weeks ago....... and she said to come back in six months just to make sure the implants are hanging in there. (So to speak).

Otherwise, I alternate visits with my surgeon and oncologist every three months. They do some blood work, poke around a little, and (so far) send me on my merry way.

I don't have to have any scans or other tests unless I have symptoms or weird lab results.

Four more years of Tamoxifen.

So I guess I'm not really done. But at least I seem to be done with recon (finally).

200th Post

Well, here we are. I was pondering how to honor the "milestone" of 200 posts.

I actually considered shutting down the blog. I mean - is anybody still reading? I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes. But I am a little superstitious. If I keep the cancer blog open - cancer won't come back. As soon as I close the damn thing, I'll have a recurrence and have to start all over.

And where else am I going to post the memorials to all the women who keep passing?

Where else can I stand on my soapbox and scream about the injustice of it all, and delete any responses I don't like?

So, instead of closing the blog, I went out and bought myself a new pair of Danskos. (I wear a size 38, by the way). I'll keep blathering on here.... and you check in when you get a chance.

Something you can do

It's another rough week at the YSC. Jayme has 40 brain tumors, and there doesn't seem to be anything they can do. Meanwhile, Danica has chemo-induced leukemia and needs a bone marrow transplant. She has three small children, Nathan's age and younger.

If you want to feel like you are DOING something, register to be a bone marrow donor. You could save Danica's life. Or someone else's.

They don't want my chemo-poisoned bone marrow...... so do it for me, because I can't.

Positive thinking .......

This study says it doesn't matter...... that positive thinking does not help fight cancer.

I don't know what to think. I'd love to wave a flag and say "look at me, I'm so great, I kept a good attitude and now I'm cancer-free." But people - women, mothers, wives, sisters - they are dying anyway. Good attitude or not.

I think when it's time, it's time.

Chemoversary

One year ago today.

Inspiration

From my daily calendar:

Although what you encounter and what you do in each moment is appropriate and perfect to the evolution of your soul, the shape of the experiences of your life is determined nonetheless by the choices that you make. It is you that chooses to linger in resentment, or to be consumed by anger, or enveloped in grief, or to release these lower-frequency currents of energy.

~ Gary Zukav

YSC Sister

We are having a great time on our trip. For tons of pictures (still being updated) visit www.tronnii2008.blogspot.com

While near Savannah I met up with August, one of the good things that has come out of cancer. August went through treatment about the same time I did, and is doing great. We met through the YSC site. The kids played and we had a great visit. We had to bribe them with M&M's to sit for pictures........ so you can see the progression of blue M&M on the little one's face.... ;)

The Savannah YSC group also sent us a terrific basket of goodies, including coloring books, sand toys, and a gift certificate to a restaurant on Tybee Island. It was so thoughtful of them. I wish we had had more time in Savannah. It's a beautiful city.

My arms really don't look that chunky in real life. I don't think.

20 Years and a Happy Birthday

20 years ago today I ........... graduated high school.

If my scanner worked I would scan a picture of me with big hair.

Also, my sister turned 7 that day. So that would make her... let's see.... carry the one.... 27 today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!!!!!!!!

Judgmental People

They piss me off.

Unless you are living under a rock, you've probably heard about all the natural disasters that are happening around the world. Particularly saddening for me was the earthquake in China. I haven't checked the latest number of dead, but it is enormous. Plus the missing. It is sad.

And I keep overhearing these stupid, stupid comments. Remember the mean woman from the cafeteria? She was blathering on to the cook about the earthquake right after it happened, and I caught bits and pieces of "well it's such a weird country, they can only have one child so it's all men over there." Another person said how it's "no wonder" they are having earthquakes, what with the rerouting of the Yangtze River. Huh???

CAN WE JUST PLEASE STOP WITH THE VICTIM-BLAMING? Nobody deserves this crap.

Do you think I'm being judgmental toward the judgmental people? Probably.

What Sustains You?

"I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away."

Inspired by The Invitation, my friend gary posed the following question:

I want to know what sustains you......

Folks...you have to have something that is all your own. it can't be a spouse,a job, or your children. It must be something beyond those things that can go away. What belongs to just you that will be in your pocket to keep you interested when everything else is gone and even when everything else is still here?

Can you be selfish enough to have something beyond a spouse, a profession, or your children that is important enough to you to never give up...because it's important to you?

I am very blessed that my hobby is my profession (photography) and I can always be involved in some fashion even if it's just looking at pictures in a book.

I really implore you all to think about this and take the time to find an interest if you don't have one. There are very few people who can't find some passion beyond the obvious things that they can have as their own forever.....when and if everything else falls away.

......

Don't wait...you can't tell the future any more than I can

So I ask you all: What sustains you?

I'm still trying to find that answer myself.

One Year Ago

Thought you all might get a kick out of seeing where the year has gone..... Click HERE.

Recent Pics

The pic of me with Anika was taken yesterday. (No, I've never been to the Moosehead Saloon). The one with Nathan was taken today - in the WIND at the Musk Ox farm. For those of you keeping score, this is my hair 11 months after the end of chemo. More pics on the other site soon.

Good news

I don't have a brain tumor.

Yeah, well I bet you didn't see THAT one coming.

I'm still having headaches, so since I had cancer, they want to scan the brain. My MRI came back "totally normal brain." Yeah. They don't know me very well.

I saw the pictures. It was all symmetrical and EVERYTHING.

No explanation for the headaches.

Stress. Motherhood. Not enough sleep. Tamoxifen. Probably Tamoxifen.

Boy oh boy, life after cancer is F-U-N.

P.S. I hear you all complaining about the lack of pictures on the tronnii2008 web site. Our new camera only downloads pics in zip files, which does me no damn good on blogger, and the memory card appears to be missing from the good camera.... so you'll just have to wait. Plus, lookng at the computer gives me a headache. And headaches lead to brain MRI's. You see the viscious circle here.

Kayla is in Surgery

I just got a text message that Kayla is having surgery this afternoon. I think it is to replace her port, and I am assuming it's nothing drastic. Her mom also asked us to pray for a 7 year old little boy named Angel, who is in the hospital with leukemia.

I think aside from the obvious stress, it must be very difficult to be in a "children's hospital" and see so many kids... so sick.

Amy needs you to CLICK

My buddy Amy (fellow survivor) can win a trip to Mexico if she wins this crazy contest.

She deserves it.

Please go to http://www.magic104.com/teacherfeaturevote.aspx and vote for "Mrs. Watkins." You can click repeatedly. Just go click until your finger gets tired. :)

Thanks.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Cinco de Mayo

Hola. Happy 5th of May. If spring means the snow is gone, but there are still no leaves on the trees, then we're there.

I went to a lecture on advanced legal writing on Friday. Sound like a big snore? It wasn't. It was really REALLY good. So good, in fact, that no reasonable person should have walked out of it feeling like a good writer. Unfortunately, it makes me want to start over on my latest project. But, since I'm on page 17.... I guess I'll just finish it and hope to do better next time.

Did you know you can start a sentence with "And" or "But," but you should NEVER start a sentence with "However"?

I hope the writing guy never reads my blog.

Monday

God help me. Sometimes I am so filled with compassion for my fellow man. And sometimes my fellow man is just so stupid that he annoys the hell out of me.

I have encountered several annoying people today.

But twice I have been surprised by the generosity and compassion of others. One who expressed profound gratitude for a small, long overdue, act on my part. One, a woman who often makes my lunch but never really speaks.... asked me in broken English if everything was "ok now?" I was almost reduced to tears in the middle of the food court by her kindness.

So why do the annoying people stay with me so long, but the warmth of the kindness is fleeting? Why does it seem to take SO much positive to outweigh the negative?

Perhaps I just need to up the antidepressants.

Online Art Auction - Raise Money for Orphans

This is from one of my favorite charities: Love Without Boundaries.

In nearly every orphanage in China, children in need of heart surgery wait to be healed. In an effort to help as many of these orphaned children as possible, Love Without Boundaries began the "Born In My Heart" art auction five years ago. This is an annual event that serves as our special tribute to the miracle of adoption, and also as a fundraiser to help us provide these essential operations to children who need emergency heart surgery.

You can help to save the life of a child by taking part from April 24-29. Every penny raised will help to heal precious children and give them the opportunity to grow and thrive, and perhaps even find a family of their very own. So please bid often and bid generously!

Auction items will begin to launch at 9am (Pacific) on Thursday, April 24th. Nearly 300 items will be added throughout the day, and the auction will close Tuesday, April 29th (again, with items closing throughout the course of the day).

We have some absolutely incredible items this year, all donated by LWB's fabulous supporters! Just a few of the items you won't want to miss are: "Jia: Portrait of Hope" by Leila Ashton: an original oil painting of one of our LWB heart babies, a life-size replica jade burial suit, two giclee prints of "Qi Pan" by Zhao Kailin, personalized digital lifebooks, the most beautiful collection of quilts imaginable (including several "100 Good Wishes" quilts), beautiful paintings (both originals and giclee prints), caligraphy, custom adoption videos, amazing photography, embroidery, gift baskets, jewlery, clothing, heritage items and so much more!

You will be able to access our auction from the Love Without Boundaries website homepage at: www.lovewithoutboundaries.com, beginning April 24th (auction items are not available for preview).

Thank you in advance for helping to make this year's auction our best ever!

Love Without Boundaries

Art Auction Committee

Parabens, Soy, and Styrofoam, OH MY

It's amazing how many things are linked to cancer - even soy products are (according to some) a 'no-no' if you have already been diagnosed with estrogen-positive cancer (although ironically soy may prevent cancer if you don't have it already. Don't ask me to explain this, and don't count on it as being right.)

Anyway, I was going to blog about the woman in line at breakfast this morning who was so mean to me. After I said what a great idea it was to bring her own ceramic bowl to the cafeteria, instead of just saying "thank you" like a civilized person, she told me the chemicals in my styrofoam plate could leach into the food - and since it is Earth Day today I really should start doing something for the environment. And a happy Earth Day to YOU, too, you biotch who doesn't even know my name. (Sometimes you are part of the solution AND part of the problem!) I wonder how SHE gets to work? I ride on a van with 12 other people. People really piss me off sometimes.

But I digress.

I just read this about parabens. Sorry, the person who quoted it didn't put a cite. I'm sure you can google it.

Some research has focused on parabens, which are preservatives used in some deodorants and antiperspirants that have been shown to mimic the activity of estrogen in the body’s cells (4). Although parabens are used in many cosmetic, food, and pharmaceutical products, according to the FDA, most major brands of deodorants and antiperspirants in the United States do not currently contain parabens. Consumers can look at the ingredient label to determine if a deodorant or antiperspirant contains parabens. Parabens are usually easy to identify by name, such as methylparaben, propylparaben, butylparaben, or benzylparaben. The National Library of Medicine’s Household Products Database also has information about the ingredients used in most major brands of deodorants and antiperspirants. This database is available at http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/index.htm on the Internet.

The belief that parabens build up in breast tissue was supported by a 2004 study, which found parabens in 18 of 20 samples of tissue from human breast tumors (5). However, this study did not prove that parabens cause breast tumors (4). The authors of this study did not analyze healthy breast tissue or tissues from other areas of the body and did not demonstrate that parabens are found only in cancerous breast tissue (5). Furthermore, this research did not identify the source of the parabens and cannot establish that the buildup of parabens is due to the use of deodorants or antiperspirants.

More research is needed to specifically examine whether the use of deodorants or antiperspirants can cause the buildup of parabens and aluminum-based compounds in breast tissue. Additional research is also necessary to determine whether these chemicals can either alter the DNA in some cells or cause other breast cell changes that may lead to the development of breast cancer.

Oh, and don't lick the lead paint, and for SURE don't drink out of plastic bottles. Or aluminum.

I wonder if it's too late to live my life in a bubble.

Update

Is my blog the most depressing thing ever? Have you all stopped reading entirely? Are you wondering why it has turned into a virtual memorial to women I don't even know?

Welcome to life after cancer. I didn't see this phase in the "stages of grief." Is this acceptance? Denial? Anger? I don't know.

There is survival guilt.

There is second-guessing every ache and pain. The headache that lasted almost two weeks.... a little part of me wondered: "do I have a brain tumor?"

Does that sound like an over-reaction? I would have thought so.... before.

And of course there is looking in the mirror every day and wondering: "Who the Hell is THAT?"

But I do have GOOD news! I see my oncologist tomorrow for my quarterly check-up. Todd already ran all my blood work and it came back NORMAL.

This is good.

And the headache is gone.

And I have moved into my new office with a WINDOW.

I am going to focus less on those who are dying, and more on the living.

I'm also still trying to get a good picture of my current hair....

Shabana

Another YSC sister has passed - Shabana. My best understanding is she had complications from treatment (Avastin - a drug I did not have). Her last post on the YSC was February 19th. She was asking for prayers regarding her headaches and other symptoms. She died last night. The picture on the left is her with her little girl. The one on the right was taken in September.

It seems to happen so fast.

Cathy

Cathy died today. She was particularly loved by the YSC girls. She leaves a husband and a small son. I am sorry I never had the privilege of meeting her in person. Please pray for the cure.

Happy First Day of Spring

And Good Friday, to boot.

I remember Good Friday last year vividly. It was not pretty. I was sick and bald and on the couch watching the Pope do the stations of the cross on T.V. Bev stopped by with groceries...... having called to see what I needed.....

Today I had lunch with my boss and Stephanie and friends who used to work with me who have moved on to bigger and better things in NYC and Juneau. It's a beautiful day here. Sunny.

I had forgotten to mention that Kayla is home and seems to be doing great.

I'm getting lots of requests for a recent pic of my hair, so will try to take care of that this weekend.

Cathy Update

For those who want to know, visit aliladd.com

This site is being kept up by Cathy's college roommate. There are two beautiful pictures of Cathy there.

Mama Cathy - Another young woman fighting the fight

When I was first diagnosed, I found the Young Survivors Coalition (YSC). I've mentioned it many times. Cathy is another amazing woman from that message board. Shortly after finding the YSC, I read this post by Cathy:

Newbies.....come here and, let mama Cathy give you a big hug

It's happening again.

Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powelessness, the strength and courage.

I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhlemed.

You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU. You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.

It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.

And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

So if you are checking the boards incessently right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.

So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.

Love,
cathy

Yesterday, Cathy's friend posted the following:

As you all know Cathy has been in and out of the hospital as of late. She is being transferred to hospice care at MD Anderson in the next day or so. The information that I have at this time is that she is in liver failure and is not expected to recover. They are giving her days to weeks.

Please everyone pray for her and/or send good thoughts her way.

I will do my best to keep the board posted with information as I receive it.

Sorry to be the bearer of such piss-poor news. But I know she would want all of you to know. You have been such a great support to her over the years.

I can't take it.

15 Minute Lunch

I've been reading this guy's blog periodically, ever since the famous "JCPenny Catalog" posting that turned into one of those emails that EVERYBODY received.

His recent rant about hair had me laughing out loud.... and that's hard to do. Sad thing is, my hair doesn't look much better than these guys, but it's the commentary that's really funny.

Enjoy.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Sorry I forgot to call you.

Can I still blame chemo-brain?

Chemoversary

One year ago today I started chemo.

Why do I feel it necessary to mention this? I don't know. I remember dates. Plus, the next day was my dad's 60th birthday, so it's not a date I'm likely to ever forget.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Annoying Weight Gain

One of the nifty benefits of taking Tamoxifen is that you'll never have to worry about being skinny again. I am currently at an all-time high for my weight.... (not counting those months of pregnancy and nursing....). I weigh 15 pounds more than I did when I got married, and 20 pounds more than I did a year ago (granted, a year ago I was too skinny, having lost weight from all the stress). I'm still 25 pounds away from where I was when I went in to deliver Nathan, so I guess that's some comfort. (not).

I DID find out that my silicone implants are responsible for 2.8125 pounds, but the rest I blame on Tamoxifen. I'm working out 4 days a week, and chasing kids, climbing stairs, doing mountains of laundry, etc., so there is really no other explanation for the weight gain, and it is pissing me off.

Back from Mexico

We had a great time on the cruise - of course any vacation that doesn't involve a trip to the emergency room is a "good" vacation by our standards. :) But we really did have a wonderful time. Pictures soon.

In case you have forgotten, there are pictures of the kids on our new family website for 2008. Click here.

Emergency in China - Please help

All - as Todd and I prepare to leave on a cruise, orphanages in China are struggling from the recent weather disasters. An American charitable organization called Half the Sky , is rallying support. Their mission statement is as follows:

Half the Sky was created in order to enrich the lives and enhance the prospects for orphaned children in China. We establish and operate infant nurture and preschool programs, provide personalized learning for older children and establish loving permanent family care and guidance for children with disabilities. It is our goal to ensure that every orphaned child has a caring adult in her life and a chance at a bright future.

As many of you know, Anika came from the YueYang County orphanage in the Hunan province. Although I've never been able to establish that she was fostered through Half the Sky, I think their program is incredible, and have donated to them in the past. Jenny Bowen, the executive director, was chosen to carry the Olympic Torch in Beijing later this year.

Today I received the following email from Jenny:

ERASED - thanks to those of you who donated during this crisis.

Please consider donating to this worthwhile cause. It breaks my heart to know that Anika may have a little brother or sister in the YueYang orphanage at this very moment....

Kayla needs more Prayers

You all, Kayla is not doing well at all.

Please direct some focused prayer in her direction.

Thanks.

Good Check-up

I forgot to post last week that I had my quarterly doctor appointment, and everything looks good. I saw my surgeon this time (I alternate every three months between the surgeon and the oncologist) and we reflected that a year ago at this time who would have imagined me sitting in her office, laughing, with short hair, all of the cancer crap behind me (please God, keep it behind me). Last year at this time, things were just getting ugly.... I had had two surgeries, and was looking ahead to at least two more, plus chemo, and maybe even radiation . .. . or worse.

So far 2008 has been MUCH better.

Sing it with Me

Love, exciting and new...... come aboard...... we're expecting you.....

Todd booked us a CRUISE in February! Mexico, here we come. We'll be sailing on the Dawn Princess. I can hardly wait.

Damn, I need a vacation.

Shelly

I met Shelly twice in the past year. The first time was last spring sometime, she approached me (in my bandana) at a bagel shop and introduced herself. She asked if I had cancer, and what kind. I was with Todd and Anika and, I think, Tabetha. We exchanged phone numbers. I remember kicking myself because I know my face fell when she said she was Stage IV. Stupid, stupid stupid me, not being able to control my reaction. I reacted to her exactly the way I hate it when people would react to my diagnosis.

The second time was at Kindergarten Field Day at the end of school last spring. We talked for awhile on the field, introduced our husbands, and promised to call each other.

She's been on my mind. I finally picked up the phone last week and left a message..... after not hearing, I googled. I was afraid I would find this.

I must reach out more. And faster.

My Hair

This is what it looks like if I don't product it into submission

Is anyone still out there??

Tacky Christmas Yards

Oh, I forgot to reserve the right to post whatever I want, whenever I want, at the Ruth Update.

If you haven't seen this blog yet, run, don't walk. Click immediately. But only if it is safe to laugh out loud at this very moment.

Tacky Christmas Yards

New Year, New Blog

It's time to put cancer on the sidelines. So many of my posts in recent months have been about the kids.... we've decided to start a new blog for 2008.

Visit us at www.tronnii2008.blogspot.com
I'll be keeping this blog open for random health updates and my thoughts.... but pics of the kids will be at the new digs.

Visit us. Bookmark us.