Team Ruth Pictures

When I stopped by the office on Wednesday, Stephanie and Kristen gave me the "Team Ruth" photos and several other goodies. Pam, who also works with me, ran the Alaska Women's Run as a SURVIVOR and won for her age group - GO PAM. She gave me her prize.... a glass window ornament handmade in Alaska with the Alaska Women's Run logo on it. I'm going to hang it in my window at home. They also gave me my pink survivor's cap . . . which I would have worn if I had been there on June 9th. I had thought about going to the Run... but I wasn't feeling great the day before, and Holly was flying out that day. I know I couldn't have handled a gazillion people, anyway. I have a hard time with that many people on a GOOD day. :)

I didn't know there was a Team Ruth until after the 9th.... Kristen organized it. I am so fortunate to work with people who are so supportive.

Here is the AMAZING STEPHANIE (on the right) with her two daughters.


Pam, Heidi, Kristen, Diane and Yanna



Heather, Maggie, Ashley, Heather and Sydney. .... I've never even met some of these girls, and they ran on my team. I could just cry! Not pictured are the "phantom runners" from work, Tim, Kristie, Dan... maybe a few others. . . . those who were there in spirit.

Surgery Update

I am still on for July 12th at 11:30 a.m. I have to be there at 9 a.m. They will do another sentinel node biopsy on the right side, just in case. The two surgeons will work together to remove the breast tissue, leaving most of the skin, and putting in the implants at that time - the first phase of reconstruction. I opted for "post-operative adjustable implants." There is a link on the right if you are interested in the details of that. I have added some other new links under the Reconstruction heading on the right, too. Remember: graphic photos.

The doctors expect me to be on the table between 4-6 hours. They will keep me in the hospital 1 or 2 nights. I would expect two since I'll be getting out of surgery so late in the day. While I'm in I'll have lots of pain medication at the push of a button, so I doubt if I'll be in a hurry to give that up.

I am a little unclear on the recovery time.... how long it will be until I'm TOTALLY back to normal....whatever THAT is..... but they said give it a good 3-4 weeks before I'm doing much lifting (including the kids).

Eventually I'll probably have another surgery to put permanent implants in, but with the type of implant I have chosen (thanks to the new plastic surgeon), there is no rush for that additional surgery. I'm pleased about that.

I don't have to be anywhere until July 9th, when I have bloodwork, an EKG, and an appointment with the plastic surgeon. Next week is a holiday week.... so I opted not to knock myself out and try to go to work. I can't think straight, anyway. Kristin suggested I do Sudoku to sharpen my chemo-dulled mind. I may have to check that out.

By the way: my blood counts are good enough for surgery, but not good enough for me to "donate" a unit or two in case they need it during surgery. So I may be getting donor blood. I am NOT seeking donors for me, but if you are out there and wanting to "do something," consider donating blood to your local blood bank. Somebody will need it.

Who Needs a Spa? An afternoon at the mall . . .

A quick update on my day yesterday.

I had an 8:30 appointment with the Plastic Surgeon (PS #2). I was SOOOOOOOO happy with the outcome. She had a clear plan when I got there. It was not something I had heard of before, but similar to the expander/implant option. It sounded like the perfect solution for me, absent a miracle and not having to do this at all.

I stopped by the office and visited a little. It was good to see my co-workers . . . and they had a few presents for me. :) An update on Team Ruth coming soon, with pictures!

I had the entire day to kill in Anchorage as Nathan was at an all-day camp, so I knew I had to pace myself since I wouldn't be getting my afternoon nap. :) This was the first time I have been to Anchorage by myself since March.

So I walked over to the mall and had a bowl of my favorite soup for lunch. I spent a few gift cards that have been floating around in my wallet, and then relaxed with a pedicure and a chair massage. (Hey locals - those guys who do the chair massage at the 5th Ave. Mall are AMAZING).

I was still exhausted by 4:30 when it was time to pick Nathan up, but it was a good day of "Ordinary."

I meet with my general surgeon this afternoon, so it's back to Anchorage today.... but I don't think there will be any surprises at this point.

One Year Ago Today....

Exactly two years ago today our paperwork was logged in in China to adopt a baby girl.

Exactly one year ago today we received our referral to adopt Anika. This is the first photo of her that we ever saw.... taken at three months of age. She was almost ten months old by the time we got her in August last year. For more memories of our referral time, click here.

Much Ado About Surgery - The Plastic Surgeon Shuffle

At long last, I have a pretty firm surgery date: Thursday, July 12, 2007.

I really hate to repeat myself (ha!), so if you are confused as to WHY I am having surgery, you might first review these posts. Click here and here. If you don't want to hear all about my reconstruction decisions, it's time to stop reading this post. You have been warned.

Having found the cancer in the left breast, it became clear after the third surgery that the breast has to go. Now that chemo is over, the time has arrived. Lots of decisions follow the news that you have to have a mastectomy: Whether or not to have reconstruction, what KIND of reconstruction to have, which plastic surgeon to use, when to have the surgery performed, what to do with the OTHER breast, etc. It's a friggin' nightmare.

To Reconstruct, or Not to Reconstruct

The first decision about reconstruction is whether or not to do it at all. The simplest thing to do is to remove the breast and live without it. Many women choose this route for a variety of reasons. In making my decision about whether or not to do it, my first question was, "am I going to live through this?" As I am planning to live another 50 years, I'm having reconstruction.

When to do it

"Immediate" reconstruction is done at the same time as the mastectomy, and requires quite a bit of coordination of care, since both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon must be present at the same time. By delaying my mastectomy until after chemotherapy, I was able to take the time to make some decisions without the extreme pressure I was under back in February. I will be having immediate reconstruction on July 12th.

What about 'The Other One'?

I was very surprised to learn that many MANY women who have cancer in one breast opt to have both removed. At first I thought that was a horrible idea, but upon consideration, that is also the decision I have made.

Types of Reconstruction
If you would like to know about the different types of reconstruction, you can click on the Understanding Your Options link here, or in the menu on the right. (Warning - graphic photos). There are many choices, including implants and various procedures that use your own tissue (these are called "flap procedures.") Not every woman is eligible for every procedure. I don't wish to compromise other parts of my body in order to transfer tissue from one place to another, so I decided before ever speaking to a plastic surgeon that I wanted to do implants.

Choosing A Plastic Surgeon

I found that even though I already had decided on implants, every plastic surgeon I spoke with had a different approach.

Plastic Surgeon # 1
The first PS I met with had the strongest opinions. She was happy to tell me exactly what to do. She did not approve of silicone, and she had one standard procedure for doing implants, which included a two-surgery procedure. The first procedure is done at the time of mastectomy. For more detail on this, click on Expanders and Implants in the menu on the right. PS number one was the first person to suggest to me that a bilateral mastectomy was a good idea. She was quite convincing.

Plastic Surgeon # 2
PS number two was a little more wishy-washy about things. She opted to leave more things up to me.... including whether to do saline or silicone implants. She suggested that I would probably be happier with silicone. She also suggested the possibility of doing reconstruction in ONE surgery, rather than two, but it was unclear when I met with her back in February as to whether or not that was a REAL possibility.

Plastic Surgeon #3
When I said I wanted implants, Plastic Surgeon #3 deferred to Plastic Surgeon #2. He also gave me a completely different scenario regarding expanders/implants, suggesting that I would have to have the mastectomy and then wait 6-8 weeks for delayed reconstruction. This did not make me happy, but was basically irrelevant since he preferred to refer me to PS #2.

After careful consideration, I settled on PS #1. We arranged surgery on July 13th, coordinated that with the general surgeon and the hospital.... and then just a few minutes before my last chemo, I found out PS #1 is going on emergency medical leave! (I really hope she's ok, but this threw a huge wrench in my schedule).

My general surgeon's office bent over backwards to help me sort out the scheduling problem, and they managed to get PS #2 to agree to do the surgery on July 12th. My general surgeon rearranged her whole July 12th to do this for me, and I really appreciate it!! I'll have to send them some flowers....

I meet with PS #2 tomorrow to discuss exactly what the game plan is. I'm ready to get this done. Soon I'll be able to say "I had cancer" instead of "I have cancer."

No Time Like the Present - Sunday

I keep waiting to "feel better" to update my blog.... but here it is Sunday, and I still have a pounding headache and lots of muscle aches. I'm whiny!! But Todd is gone to work, Nathan is off on an adventure with Lori and Kate, and Anika is strapped to the high chair, so I guess this is my chance to update.

On Wednesday we had lots of questions for the oncologist since we won't see her again until October. More on "what's next and why" coming up in future posts, but nothing alarming and nothing unexpected, cancer-wise . . . . basically after surgery I will take an oral drug called Tamoxifen for five years, starting August 1st. (Easy to remember when to stop it 5 years from now by starting it on the first of the month). This is pretty standard stuff for breast cancer. Because my cancer does not have the hallmarks of some forms of cancer, I am avoiding things you may have heard of, such as the drug Herceptin, or the removal of other female organs. Thank God.

I really like my oncologist, and she always walks with me down to the chemo room after we meet with her. This time she said, "Oh, I won't see you until October, let me give you a hug." Really, I love these women doctors. I asked if I could take her picture, and she looked at me like I was crazy! I snapped a photo of she and Ashley, the one chemo nurse who has been there for the long haul with us.... and then I asked if I could put it on my blog. Dr. Stewart said, "No." I laughed... clearly she did not know what a blog was.... but I will respect her wishes!

Both Lori and Stephanie visited me at chemo - and both brought roses!! I am so lucky.... I have had roses in my dining room AND next to my bed for the past four days, thanks to them. Stephanie also brought dinner compliments of Bob (from work) and his wife (whose name is escaping me at the moment).

It was quiet in the chemo room this week.... only two people there when I got there, and nobody else by the time I left. Of course it's no fun for me without some physical comedy to break up the day.... that darn Benedryl makes me loopy AND have to run to the rest room. Of course it's no easy task to get to the loo while actively engaged in chemotherapy..... one must take the entire IV tree along, but first one must UNPLUG it. I managed to trip over it, spill a glass a water, yet still make it to the bathroom in time.... a belated thanks to Stephanie for cleaning up the spilled water. Stephanie and Lori, declaring that it is "just too painful to watch me stay awake," left after about a half hour. :)

So here are a few photos. Anika in front of the lilacs at our house (note the cat in the window). Stephanie and Lori (taken by me from the chemo chair). Me snoozing through the last half of my infusion (thanks Todd). Ashley and me after the infusion was done (I vaguely remember this photo being taken.... note my glassy eyes). Nathan and the wildflower arrangement he made for me. Good stuff.

Friday

I've been wanting to update you all on my last chemo, photos from same, flowers, plastic surgery, etc.

But I had my last Neulasta shot yesterday and I'm having my traditional post-chemo crappy Friday. I had Neulasta even though this was my last Taxol (usually I wouldn't have had to) because I am "hoping" to have surgery in the next 2-3 weeks. So they wanted to make sure my blood counts were back up where they should be so surgery would not get delayed.

More tomorrow when I feel better. Back to bed for me.

DONE! Chemo? Check!

Hey Cancer -

I am kicking your ass to the curb.

Now that I am done poisoning you, I'm taking a little break to rest up.

Next I'm cutting off what's left of you, just in case you're still hiding in there.

You're just a bully, and I quit putting up with bullies YEARS ago.

Don't come back. If you come back, I'll do it again. Don't think that I won't. I will. I've got a lot of people in my corner, and we will win. It's best to stay away.

Ruth

TOMORROW IS MY LAST CHEMO!

Need I say more? 1:30 pm my time. Please keep your fingers crossed that it goes as well as last time.... or better. :) Maybe I can have zero sick days this time!

Do you like my new picture? The fabulous Jennifer Hughes took that last month.

More Cute Pictures (and one of me!)

This picture of Anika in the hat is one of my favorites! The hat was given to me by a woman named Nancy who works with Todd at the hospital. She had her neighbor make me three hats and gave them to me the day I was in the ER (remember, the false alarm?) Todd took a picture of me with his cell phone (on the bed in the ER, wearing the hat) and emailed it to Nancy with a "thanks". It's cuter on Anika. :)

The woman who made the hats, Charity, later contacted me and made one of the kindest offers yet.... she offered to do any sewing or mending projects I had, as a gift. You can click here to see Charity's web site. I am always so amazed by the gifts people have and how they share them.... I feel like I lack these crafty skills, and am so impressed by people who enjoying sewing, scrapbooking, etc.

I took Charity up on her kind offer, and asked her to repair a blanket. It's not just any blanket, mind you, but THE blanket that everybody in the family has loved to death. It is "The Red Blanket." The Red Blanket was about to become a dog blanket if we didn't do something soon.... I had hidden it so that it didn't get any worse. The batting had come out, the trim was falling off. Charity made a work of art out of the repaired blanket, with new stuffing, new trim, extensive quilting to hold the whole works together.... and she even found similar fabric and made another smaller blanket for the kids! Then she wrapped it up in a nice bag with tissue paper, and the kids and I gave it to Todd as a Father's Day gift. It went over great! THANK YOU CHARITY! (I know she is a faithful blog reader). I tried to get a photo of the troops with the blanket, but they didn't turn out.



I couldn't resist taking pictures of Anika eating corn on the cob. Oh, how I love that smile! For the Anika fans out there, there are more photos here.



And here's a recent shot of me. Nathan took this one. From behind the camera he coaxed, "Give me your best smile, mom! Is THAT your best smile? I want your best one!"



I know I will pay for this later, but here are two shots of Nathan painting his toenails. Pink. I prefer to think he's just being supportive!

What am I missing?

I started this post yesterday, but blogger's fancy new auto-save feature didn't save a chunk of it.... so I'm trying to do-over.

I belong to an Internet support group for young cancer survivors... the under 40 crowd who should be thinking about soccer camp, mini-vans and whether or not to have another baby.... and instead we talk about menopause, chemo cocktails and completely unmentionable topics. . .

Anyway..... there is always some discussion about what cancer has taken away. What people are missing. It is sad to hear about women who desperately want children after cancer, or who miss out on vacations, their sister's wedding, their brother's graduation, their kid's Kindergarten program, or whatever, because they were in chemo or recovering from surgery, etc. The rest of the world does not go on hold because YOU have cancer. The airlines don't care if your bilateral mastectomy is scheduled in the middle of your trip to the Bahamas. Your sister is still going to get married even if you can't be there... the invitations already have been printed, after all. ALL of your neighbors are going to be at the pool the day you take your mastectomy scars out for their first swim, and you just hope your prosthesis doesn't fall out.

These conversations remind me of how I felt when I miscarried in 2005. We were supposed to leave for Hawaii three days later. My suitcase already was packed - full of maternity clothes. Cute summer things I had never worn, and now I never will. Todd and I came home, re-packed my suitcase, and I took the drugs they had given me to make it all go away. I ended up in the ER that night, and again a couple of days later. We went to Hawaii two or three days late for our trip, but I thought it would be best to get over it somewhere else, somewhere with sunshine.... somewhere that didn't have a closet full of maternity clothes and the first wave of baby gifts. Unfortunately I could barely leave the condo while we were there....a week later I was in the Maui Memorial ER. By the time I got there I was down to six units of blood. So in addition to losing my baby, I lost the vacation I had been looking forward to for months. I was bitter about this. Perhaps I still am. But somewhere in China, right about that same time, Anika was conceived. So who am I to say what is a tragedy and what is not? Joy and sorrow are merely two sides of the same coin, in my experience. I wish I could come up with something more clever than that, but chemo-brain has taken hold.

Many of my fellow cancer survivors have some bitterness. I cannot blame them, really. One friend told me at the beginning of all of this, "I'm sure you'll be fine, because I cannot believe in a God that would let you JUST get home with your daughter only to take you away." But I have seen it. I have seen women my age - and younger - with little kids, and they die.

But I am not one of those women. I continue to believe that I will die an old woman, one of those crazy old ladies with a lot of cats who does yoga on the beach.

So what have I missed because of cancer? So far.... nothing. (Except work. Work doesn't count, right?) Although I could say I've "lost" most of 2007 to this madness.... that's really not true. I've spent more time with my kids because I was forced to be home from work (although some of it is on the couch with a chemo hangover). Some of my friendships have deepened because I have slowed down enough to ask them for help, and to accept it. Other friendships have formed because of this disease.... It's true that more than one relationship has slipped away in the wake of cancer.... but it's not necessarily fair to blame the disease for that. What is that saying, about people being there for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime? For some, the season has just come to an end...

I'm not stringing my thoughts together very well tonight, but I know some of you are wondering where I am, so I wanted to get this posted. I can still see the bright side. I have done a lot in my life. Things I never thought I would do. I have given birth, nursed a child, adopted a child.... My heart breaks when I read about women who were trying to get pregnant with their first child when they found "the lump."

I guess what I'm saying is hopefully, when all is said and done, I'll come out ahead. What I've gained will be worth more than what I've lost - a few days here and there, some tissue I don't need. . . .

More soon.

Pictures as Promised (a day late)

Team Ruth

Yesterday was the Alaska Run for Women. I had no idea there was a Team Ruth until Bev called and told me. If anybody out there knows more about the TEAM and how they did, post a comment or send me an email!

I promise pictures tomorrow.

Sunday

Holly and Isaac left yesterday and I could have just cried! It was so great to have them both here. Mere minutes after my last blog post I hit the wall.... all the pain (whether it comes from Taxol or Neulasta I have no idea any more) hit all at once.... I've come to expect it. We had the good sense to manage it with the big guns this time (yay Percocet!) instead of trying just Tylenol. Of course I may have overdone it a little... my bedtime cocktail Thursday night was Ativan, Ambien, 2 Tylenol PM and a half of a Percocet..... I slept til 11 am on Friday. ;)

When I finally got up on Friday morning, Holly and the boys were making lasagna and already had made Rice Krispie treats. Holly took the boys to the carnival in Palmer and it sounded like they had fun. I was sorry to miss that. I was pretty pathetic the rest of Friday, and nearly had to make a visit to the porcelain god Friday evening.... so I was AMAZED to wake up feeling pretty good on Saturday!! That is by FAR the fastest turnaround I have had during chemo....... usually the pathetic phase lasts 3-6 days. Your prayers are working. (We even made it to church this morning!)

We took the boys to yet another park on Saturday, had some pizza, and enjoyed some improved weather (the wind finally went down). Nathan only had one major meltdown all week (pretty good for him - especially after sharing all his toys all week without much complaint!)..... right before we left for the airport. Holly let him listen to her ipod in the car....... so how he's hooked.

I was looking through my pantry today and discovered all sorts of goodies... apparently Holly was restocking while she cooked. I would never have thought to do that!

Cancer certainly sucks on many levels, but it has deepened several of my friendships along the way. I'm not sure I would trade that.

Funny Nathan moment: Just a few days after Holly and Isaac got here, Nathan informed me that he wanted to go home with them. I said, "What does Holly have that I don't have - besides hair?" (He thought that was really funny). The obvious answer: Isaac.

I have lots more pictures. Will post those soon.

P.S. Sounds like little Rhys is responding to treatment. I have added a link to his web site in the menu on the right.

One more to go....

I had my 8th chemo yesterday. Holly (brave woman) stayed home with all three kids, and Todd and I ran into town, met with my buddy Zach (remember, I'm doing it all for him), and picked a recliner for the next-to-last infusion. They gave me 1/2 as much Benedryl as the previous two times..... and I was significantly less unconscious.

Stephanie came by to keep me company while Todd ran to Sears to look at dishwashers (no luck). Tim sent dinner - ribs, baked potatoes, broccoli, cake AND cupcakes. Todd got back before I fell asleep, though I don't remember the last few minutes of my conversation with Stephanie. I was less drowsy when they woke me up this time, so didn't act like a fool on my way out, stumbling around.

We rode down in the elevator with an older couple - both had canes. They didn't talk to us in the elevator, but as we exited behind them from the elevator the woman abruptly turned around and hugged me. She said, "It gets better, I promise." Before I could respond (I had of course just stuck a peanut butter cracker in my mouth), she scurried off faster than I would think a person with a cane could walk. She was like an angel straight from heaven. Todd poured me into the car and drove home. I took a nap, but woke up feeling more alert thanks to less Benedryl.

Holly has filled our freezer with three batches of cookies - all my favorites. She has made wonderful dinners every night, washed dishes, cleaned out my cupboards.... I can't believe how much she has accomplished in six days. I felt ok today, so we took the boys to another park, and braved the grocery store. I won't tell you about the mean guy at Fred Meyer (another customer).... but he should be ashamed of himself for speaking so rudely to us.

Tonight we grilled salmon and Holly made mashed potatoes using regular potatoes and yams... they were so good. Yay to Todd for buying a grill. The boys continue to play together so well.... hardly a disagreement between them in six days. Their visit has been a real blessing.

I can feel the aches and pains setting in... so I'm headed for a hot bath. More pictures soon.

A Good Day Fishing....

How does that saying go? A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work? Something like that. Well, a bad day fishing is definitely better than the best day at chemo... at least on a beautiful June day in Alaska.

I haven't written since Friday because I have been feeling so GOOD and having such a nice visit with Holly. Nathan and I picked up Holly and Isaac (who is almost 8) at the airport on Saturday. Isaac and Nathan hit it off right away and have been playing nonstop ever since. We've been to the park, to Hatcher Pass, to Vagabond Blues (ok, so the boys were not so impressed with the coffee house). Mostly the boys have been playing in our back yard, and Holly and I spent a little time sitting on the deck enjoying the sun.... until the wind came up. Today we went to yoga together. Todd took the boys fishing, and they were SO CUTE with their little poles and net out on the shore. (They didn't catch anything except weeds). I am so overjoyed to be feeling relatively normal....

While the boys have been playing nonstop, Holly has been cooking nonstop, or so it seems. While she is here she is filling our freezer with three kinds of cookies, multiple pans of lasagna, and I-don't-know-what-else. I think I watched her make 42 pans of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I conquered one pile of paperwork and returned several phone calls while I watched her efficiency in amazement. Anika shrieked intermittently, her new vocal skill.

Motivated by house guests, Todd bought a new grill and we tried it out tonight. Steaks! I haven't had a steak in... I don't know.... years. And hey, it's good for my hemoglobin.

Speaking of which, my blood work was good today, so chemo is on tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. I'll probably be snoring in the chair by 11:45. My panic attack is scheduled for 11:15.

It sounds like little Rhys is doing well at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was so happy to see that.

I'm typing in a hurry. Chocolate chip cookies are calling me. (And I am heeding the call).

A Candle is Burning....

There are a lot of things on my mind.... I'm having so much trouble keeping my thoughts together lately. I blame the chemo. I had lunch with my friend Ann, and she pointed out that I have chemo-brain AND mommy-brain, so it's pretty much hopeless. That actually made me feel better. (I also saw Leithe and Eric, whom I hadn't seen in ages).

Tonight and tomorrow is the Relay for Life in Grand Forks. Tabetha sent this picture to Todd on his phone, and he forwarded it to me. (Isn't technology amazing?) It is humbling to know there are candles burning for me all the way across the country tonight. Thank you, Tabetha, for all the hard work you put into this project.

On Sundays (when we actually make it to church), Anika and Nathan and I light a candle for Anika's birth mother. I hope somehow she gets some comfort through that silent prayer, and that someday Anika will get comfort from it as well. On other occasions, I have lit a candle for someone from my online cancer support group who passes away from cancer. It seems that happens every few weeks.... I try to push away the thought that candles will ever be burning for me . . . other than as a survivor.

I saw a few people today as I dropped Nathan off at daycare for some play time. One woman who works there, whom the children affectionately call "Grandma," told me this morning that my family is on her prayer list, and that she and her husband both have a list of people they pray for, and they do so every morning. I was so touched by that.... such dedication to prayer, in sharp contrast to my own occassional rambling conversations with God. I have been equally moved by a friend who told me that she "dusted off her rosary beads" when I was diagnosed, and another friend who suggested that I am, in a way, ministering through my writing. I felt this was such an undeserved compliment.. . . I would never presume to minister, I told my friend, and was embarrassed when I could not even find my bible to look up the verse she sent me. (Stephanie tracked it down in my desk at work and brought it to me yesterday.) See Romans 5:1-5.

Many in our community have been shocked by the news of a 3 year old little boy named Rhys who has been diagnosed with leukemia. His dad is a lawyer here in town. I never have met him or his wife or son, but I felt the blow nonetheless. I would go through chemo 100 times before I would watch my kids go through it, if I had the choice. I am not living my worst nightmare - they are. They are in Seattle at the Children's Hospital, staying at the Ronald McDonald house.... aggressive treatment starts soon if it has not already. I am getting word through the grapevine, but I ask you to keep Rhys in your prayers. Relay for Life raises money for all kinds of cancer research, so I'm glad there are candles burning somewhere tonight. For those of you who have a list, please add a prayer for the cure.