Monday, I Think

Yes, that really is a picture of me as a baby, 6 months old in 1971! And that is pretty much what my hair looks like at this very moment. 36 years and back to square one.

I saw a friend today who asked me why I haven't posted since Friday.... I wasn't sure of the answer. I'm in another phase where the days sort of blend together... time passes.... my Dad arrived Thursday night - or was it Friday? He's so great with the kids, and it turns out he is a pro at doing dishes. The secret is out. (The dishwasher is yet to be replaced, for those of you considering visiting).

Todd and I got out for dinner alone on Saturday. That was really nice, but we are kind of at a loss without kids at a restaurant these days. :)

I just realized I haven't taken any pain medication since this morning, and it's already 9pm, so I guess the pain has dramatically improved. Down around a 1 or a 2.... almost zero! This is the tricky phase.... where I am feeling better, but I still cannot LIFT anything (doctor's orders - don't want to rip any internal stitches and have my implants go sliding off into some other part of my body I guess....) So it's frustrating for me to see housework I want done, or furniture I want moved.... and I have to wait around to ask someone else to do it. I guess I am yet to learn patience.

Speaking of moving furniture, we bought a piano yesterday! Todd and Dad moved it - my big strong men - and Nathan is pretty excited to start learning to play. We're gonna ride that wave while it lasts. Piano is something I always wanted to learn, so now we'll all have a chance. Anika really likes to pound on it, too.

In other exciting news, it sounds like they are going to spring Kayla out of Seattle for a trip home. Unbelievable how so many prayers have been answered.

Oh, and my best story since my last post: A knock at our door at 10 pm last night... I was dozing on the couch, having let Nathan stay up way too late to finish watching Toy Story 2.... and I opened the door to see a woman standing there with two dogs on leashes. My fuzzy brain thought: "Geez, those look like OUR dogs." She said, "Do you know whose dogs these are?" And my brain finally engaged and realized that the dogs were Bjorn and Chloe! They had gotten out of the backyard sometime after the piano was moved in, and we hadn't even realized they were gone. They had shown up at the back door of these folks about two blocks away... and when they opened their door the dogs just let themselves right in! Fortunately they stayed together and gravitated to "dog people" since they didn't have their tags on. The mom and daughter spent about an hour knocking on doors trying to find where they belonged.... amazing to me since I thought everyone in the neighborhood knew our dogs!

Anyway, I went over tonight to thank them properly (with cookies) and it turns out that Nathan's "reading buddy" from school lives right here in the neighborhood! (Reading buddies are older kids that read to the Kindergartners). Small world. Good deeds. Never underestimate the ripples that you send out with your good deeds.

Updated Pic of My Hair

You get the idea.

Two Weeks Behind Me

Surgery was two weeks ago today.

They pulled my drains out on Monday. That was gross. At least 6 inches of tubing was stuck INSIDE me on each side.... good riddance.

Tuesday I drove a car for the first time. I have cut WAY back on the painkillers. I may have cut back a little too far, as I realized late in the day yesterday that I was having a lot of pain, and it was making me really crabby. Yesterday I was having a "poor me" day.... feeling trapped in this freakish body as both my hair and my foobs go through the very awkward stages at the same time. I napped a lot, and Nathan was running a temp, so we were both pretty pitiful sitting around (me dozing off) on the couch all afternoon. Thank goodness for the good kid shows on PBS.

Today I returned to the plastic surgeon, who declared that everything is looking wonderful, and just textbook perfect for where we are in the process. They added 60 ccs of saline to each side, which was surprisingly painless. We had a nice lunch at Applebees, finally ordered pictures from Jen, and now we are home with the afternoon to spare. Todd heads back to Anchorage tonight to pick my dad up at the airport.

I am still on a 15 pound lifting restriction for two more weeks. :(

Down the Drain

I'm going to finally get my drains out today! If you've never had post-surgical drains, count yourself lucky. They are annoying and gross and they won't let me shower with them in (risk of infection), so I've had to take baths for the past 10 days. I've been happy - for the first time - not to have much hair to wash. (It IS growing, but I look like a baby).

Many thanks to Bev, who spent the day with Nathan yesterday, and to Pat and Laura who took turns keeping me company and helping with Anika yesterday. It was a relaxing day for me, and I think maybe Todd was happy to go to work. ;)

I'm still sleeping in the recliner, still waking at 2 am for an hour or two each night.... but I've significantly cut back on the pain meds, and have switched some of my doses to Tylenol instead of Percocet, so that's good.

Thanks to Spam for the cool pic, above.

And Happy Birthday to Lori, who is off having fun in Chicago and Minneapolis without me. :)

A Few Pics

These pictures are from July 21 and 23. I'm not sure how we managed to get no pictures of Tabetha's visit, again, but thought you would all enjoy these.

Lori's 29th birthday. :)



(This last one is Nathan wearing Todd's glasses).

Regarding Scooters and a Babysitter

I'm enjoying the comments on my previous scooter blog.... I also wondered if I could get a DUI for driving one of those things. Todd did get some video of me weaving down an aisle ... I'm not sure how to download it onto blogger.

As for my nemesis, I was NOT talking about that bitch from last week who was so mean . . . . fortunately no chance of running into her in Alaska since she lives in North Dakota . . . my nemesis is rather another mean and nasty old woman with a bad hip and a raging personality disorder. Haven't seen HER in a couple of years.... it's bad to hold a grudge, I know. I know.

But seriously, I need a babysitter or two this Sunday. They are SO short at work that Todd really should go in, but I still cannot lift much more than my dinner plate. If anybody wants to take Nathan for the day let me know. Or if anybody can come over for part or all of the day - 9:30 a.m. until 6pm. Give us a call.

Tabetha leaves tomorrow (sob) and my dad gets here Thursday (yay!), so otherwise we're good on the childcare front. I don't know what we would have done without Tabetha the past 10 days. If I could afford her I'd hire her as the nanny. :)

I think I've got the babysitter thing covered. Thanks!

Catching Up

Hiya. All went well at the plastic surgeon on Wednesday. She took out stitches - painles, since I am numb (all the pain is on the INSIDE). No sign of infection. Cosmetic results look good for this early stage. Todd took some pics so if you are a survivor out there who wants to see the reconstruction, contact me. I won't subject the wide world of blog-readers to my foobs. (That's short for "faux boobs" - credit to funambulator for that cleverness.)

On the way home we decided to stop at Costco for a quick slice of pizza, so we made use of that handicap parking hangtag Todd got for me . . . then I saw they had the little handicap scooters, so I zipped around Costco in one of those. It was fun! It was the most fun I have had in an entire week!!! Never did get pizza.... the line was too long. I was thinking it would be fun to run into my nemesis....I won't name any names, but...... would have been fun to run her down with the scooter. I could have blamed the drugs. She has a bad hip, so she couldn't run fast. Ha. I'm kidding.

Anyway.... Thursday was sucky at our house. I'll spare you the post-surgery woes.

Today was better. Tabetha and I ventured out for a little girl-time at a local store that I love. I'm off to take a before-dinner nap.

Things are looking up.

Tuesday - Random Thoughts

Still sleeping in the recliner. Moved to the guest bed at 3 am and had to call Todd on my cell phone at 7am to help me up. I was stuck. Sad........

Things I should have mentioned before:

1. Todd Rocks. He does EVERYTHING. He would do stuff I don't even want him to have to do...... let's not go there...... but he empties my drains. Yuck. They are gross.

2. I had the greatest nurse at Prov. Her name was Angel, and she was really sweet and very funny. Lots of other people there were great (and a couple weren't), but she really stood out as a nurse who loved her job and cared.

3. Thanks to Linda from church who has organized meals for like the next two weeks. Good stuff. Nice not to worry about food.

As for today, I got up and walked to the end of the block and back. Big adventure. slept a lot. Had a lot of nightmares this afternoon....so reluctant to go back to sleep tonight.

Pain is still anywhere from a 2 to a 6 depending on how recently I took Percocet. I know it will get better each day, so........ at least I'm home.

I go see the plastic surgeon tomorrow. I think I'm stuck with the drains for a few more days as they are, well, still draining. Gross. She will take off the vest so we can see the damage, then probably put it back on. Scary.

Typing makes me tired. More tomorrow.

Introducing my new buddy NED - GREAT NEWS

Got the call from the surgeon this afternoon. Pathology report is back, finally. NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE (NED) on either side. No tumors, no DCIS, no sign of cancer in my right lymph nodes or either breast. NED. Either there wasn't any more cancer to begin with, or the chemo killed it. Since there still appeared to be DCIS after the third surgery, my guess is the chemo killed the little bastards. But I don't care which way is true.... I believe I'll never have to worry about cancer again. I will not lose sleep over this.

So it's official. I HAD cancer. I don't have cancer any more. Prayers answered. Thank you all. Thank you God.

Monday

Hi all.

I slept in the recliner last night. Todd had sense enough to bring it upstairs and put it in the "recovery room," which has a bed with a dozen pillows, a TV and DVD player, and my laptop. There is also a desk which is being filled with flowers.

The past several days are a blur. Surgery was delayed because the surgery before mine went long..... I hope that person is OK. It was just hard to sit and wait, because I had been READY for days. Even my surgeons were ready........ we just had to wait for the OR to be ready for us.

We left home at 8am on Thursday........... didn't go into surgery until 1:30 p.m. Dr. Cole, my plastic surgeon, came in to "mark me" sometime that morning. She drew all over me with purple ink, marking the incision sites, measuring, etc. She really seems to know her stuff..... of course they like to mark you standing up, since once you are unconscious on the operating table it's kind of hard to see how things will "fall" once you are on your feet again.

I wrote out a short section of the Desiderata for the OR nurse to read to me. She read it three times as I drifted off... I felt surrounded by all of your prayers. Peaceful. Confident in all my decisions. No thoughts of any of the negative things in my life intruded on this moment....

Sounded like things went quickly.... about 4 hours on the table. Less than they had predicted. No surprises. Textbook surgery. The general surgeon, Dr. Whitcomb, performed a sentinal node biopsy on the right (non-cancer) side, and removed that breast tissue. While Dr. Cole started the reconstruction on that side, Dr. Whitcomb went out to talk to Todd. In between sides, Dr. Cole also went out to talk to Todd to tell him all was going fine.

I guess I was in recovery for a long LONG time, like 4 hours.... I remember it vaguely. Waking up in a lot of pain. Talking to JR, the recovery nurse who had sat with me after my very first surgery in January. He must be extremely compassionate.... I doubt if he remembered me, but it felt like he did. Another nurse, I don't know her name, sat next to me for what seemed like hours. She was talking to me. She told me at one point that I needed to breathe better... that she was watching me, and I was only taking 6 breaths a minute.... that that wasn't enough. It's all so foggy. The ace bandage they had wrapped around me was so tight, it's no wonder I couldn't breathe. I'm not really sure what was going on.

They took me up to my room at the hospital late Thursday night. I don't remember much.... except that the night was very long. I was comfortable and resting, so Todd went home, but I woke up in a lot of pain. The only pain meds I had were morphine in a pump where I had to push the button myself... but I kept falling asleep and not pushing the button...... then I would wake up in so much pain, and the button would be lost somewhere in the covers. It was very frustrating. My recommendation to anyone doing this in the future would be to have someone who will stay the night with you after this surgery . . .. at your side. I would have expected the nurses to check on me more often, but it sounded the next day like something had happened and they were short-handed. A perfect storm, so to speak..... I know Todd would have stayed if we had known it would go this way..... eventually after much bitching on my part, a nurse's aid sat with me the rest of the night, and woke me to push the button when it was available (the morphine had a lockout so as not to overdose....) Apparently there is some rule that nobody ELSE can push the button for you, so the aide had to wake me to push the button........

They did get me on Percocet AND morphine and valium the next day....... but I was so out-to-lunch that it was clearly not a good long-term pain management plan. I could hear Todd and Dr. Whitcomb talking about it......but I hovered in a state of semi-conscious oblivion. They brought me food, and I would fall asleep between bites... with food still in my mouth. It was absurd.

Attempts to get up and go for a walk on Friday failed. I made it to the edge of the bed, but no further. Farther? Dr. Cole came on Saturday and took me for a walk HERSELF to make sure I got out of bed. She unwrapped the ace bandage, was happy with what she saw (no sign of infection, and the reconstruction looks like it should at this point... scary, no doubt... I didn't look). She put me in a compression vest that I will wear until further notice, much like the one seen here. I told her I couldn't believe that just three days earlier I was doing yoga, and she assured me that having done yoga in the past, I will recover faster. She actually lifted me herself back into my bed. My respect for doctors has increased dramatically in the past six months.... their dedication to their patients.... and sometimes they must feel under-appreciated.

I know I called friends on the East Coast at 4 am if they were programmed into my cell phone.... having slept all day, sometimes I was awake at night. I am amazed at the patience nurses show with constant requests to "help me out of bed to go to the bathroom." I hate being the patient. Being vulnerable, helpless. My boss showed up Saturday with sunflowers and took me for a walk up and down the hall. The man is a good sport, that is for sure.

Todd spent most of the days sitting in my room while I slept... reading Time magazine. It must have been incredibly boring. Stephanie visited morning, noon and night, literally. . . .to give Todd a break. I can't tell you how comforting it is just to have someone you KNOW sitting in the room while you sleep. She bribed me with a chocolate donut on Sunday morning... said if I went for a walk I could have it. :) I already had woken up Sunday morning determined to go HOME, so already had been for a walk before she got there.

I spent Sunday afternoon at home, sitting in the recliner, watching season 3 of Scrubs. I'm finishing up Season 3 today or tomorrow, and will start in on Seasons 1-4 of Smallville (thanks Adam - got your package today). Ah, television DOES have its place. I'm so glad I'm not stuck with ordinary daytime TV, with its commercials and soap operas. Nothing new appears to have happened on Days of Our Lives since I last watched it regularly in 1997.

Fifteen minutes until I can have another Percocet. Yay.

Sorry, no pictures. But suffice it to say that I finally look like a cancer patient, bald, with drains, no make-up....... hopeless. Let's wait on pictures.

Home

I left the hospital around 2pm and have been hanging out at home watching TV all day. The kids were glad to see me.... Anika most upset that i can't pick her up.

Typing hurts, so that's all for now. More tomorrow.

Ruth

Alive....

I'm still at the hospital.... Todd took me for a short walk down the hall, and surprised me with internet access. I'm going home soon....

This was by far harder than I thought it would be. And I thought it would really suck... so on a scale of 0-10, on the suckiness scale, this ranks about an 8. But my pain is down around 2 or 3.

I could feel all of you pulling for me. I woke up several times in the past few days to Stephanie and/or Todd sitting by my bed, giving me strength. I'm looking forward to going home and collapsing in my own recliner, where nobody wants to take my blood pressure at 4 a.m.

More later.............

Ruth

One more night

She was doing better today, but not well enough to go home. The mixture of morphine/percocet/valium kept her pretty out of it for the majority of the day. Hopefully tomorrow (Sunday) she will be stable enough to drive back out to the valley. Other wise she is well. Her plastic surgeon seemed happy with the way her incisions looked and took her out of her ace bandage into a fancy new bra.

Her pain is at a steady four. As she's be asked a hundred time "On a scale from zero to 10, zero being no pain at all and 10 the worst pain you've ever experienced-What is your pain level now? And what is your pain goal? (of course her pain "goal" is a big fat zero... she'll be there eventually) At the worst she was at a seven or eight, if I recall correctly.

Saturday

Writing from the hospital. She slept o.k. last night. They had to restart her morphine drip as the oxycodone was not handleing her pain sufficiantly. They may keep her one more night if they do not get the pain under control.

She did get up and walk a bit last night, and this morning. So that is good

tod (who has about 0.1% the writing ability of Ruth)

Finally....

Surgery went very well, no complications to speak of. She's in a fair amount of pain that is being controlled somewhat with a morphine pump.

Should anyone want further updates please call my cell. I'll be happy to update you.

(907) 354-6685

todd

Living Well....

....is the best revenge. Isn't that what they say?

Photos from a glorious Alaskan Summer day. Todd and the kids gave me some time alone this morning to get some last-minute things done. I went to a yoga class, then after Anika's nap we drove up to Hatcher Pass. The pass is open, and we drove all the way up to Summit Lake. We even saw snow! Snow in July.... I'll never get used to that!!

So SCREW YOU CANCER . . . you might get a few days, but you didn't get today.

We have to leave home at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so I'll catch you all on the other side.

Staying positive and strong in the face of cancer and the unbloggable

Thank you all for your responses to my Rollcall request, and keep them coming if you haven't checked in. I see every comment before it is posted to the blog, so don't worry that you will go unnoticed.

I'm reflective today... my mind a swirl of thoughts, and I cannot quite pin them down. I want to share things with you, my friends and readers, but then I wonder exactly how to say the things I want to say - or whether I should say them at all.

There are, of course, unbloggable parts of my life. I look back over my postings, and they are primarily about cancer, and how it has impacted me and my family, and the bright spots in between treatments. They are my thoughts.... my fears.... but whatever they are, they are MINE.

I don't believe I've ever implied that my life was perfect and trouble-free before cancer. Nor do I expect it to be after... if there is such a thing as "after cancer." Life has problems. There wouldn't be much of a point, much of a chance to evolve as human beings, if everything was perfect all the time. But this is not the place to air my dirty laundry. There is such a thing as respecting the privacy of others . . . and it is only myself that I wish to lay open on these pages. MY journey.

I am deeply touched by the many, many of you who praise me for being strong, who praise me for staying positive. I do not believe I have always been so.... but I received an email from a friend from 8th grade, a "boy" I have not seen in over 20 years... and he said, "I can see so much of the Ruth I remember from back then in your writing." I never thought of myself as "strong," in the past, but now I know I am. Strength shows itself in different ways.

So isn't it funny . . . in the face of literally hundreds of supportive emails and comments, letters, cards, . . . . on the eve of the most horrifying day of my life, (perhaps second only to my miscarriage), on the very heels of actually ASKING you all to chime in with your support ... an admission on my own part that I NEED you all to get me through this. .... that I could have the wind knocked out of me by an email from a woman I hardly know? In between bathing my children last night, I received an email from a woman I have met once, who thinks she knows something about my life based on hearsay . . . who feels entitled to send me an ALL CAPS lecture about how I have handled one of my personal (unbloggable) problems... and who has the audacity to say, "I am not going to praise your strength," suggesting that I really am not so strong.

Aside from the all-caps rudeness, the spelling errors and the grammar issues, all I can say is, WTF? Who kicks a person when they are down? I don't need negativity. I thought this went without saying, but perhaps I should make it clear: If you're not going to be supportive, don't contact me. But dear readers what is it about human nature, that ONE comment like this can make me stumble, when so many more of you are there to catch me as I fall? I did my best to take the high road. . . .

Well, almost.

The low road would have been to post her email here, in its entirety, along with her email address . . . so that you, my faithful friends, could individually rip her a new one at your leisure.

The high road would have been to ignore it altogether.

So this is perhaps the middle road. . . .

What I realized is that I do not want all of YOU dwelling on the negativity of something like this, when you should be sending me positive energy. I firmly believe in the mind/body/spirit connection, and that my attitude going into surgery is very, VERY important. I cannot get caught up in what other people think of me, my decisions, my life . . . I can only take support from all of you right now. I don't have that much to offer, except sharing my story along the way. My time to be supportive will come later....

So I will share this with you, in case I don't blog again before Thursday.

Each time I have had surgery I have written down affirmations, which one of the OR nurses would read to me as I was going under. I didn't keep them... I wish now that I had.... but they were things like, "I am safe," "I am healed," "I live in gratitude," "I entrust my body to the capable hands of those who heal me," and each time I concluded with, "I am perfect, whole and complete, and I am very, very loved."

I think this time I will ask them to read the Desiderata to me. I think it is particularly poignant today . . . and I will read it to myself today to remind myself of the person I strive to be.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Rollcall

I'd like to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me during the past seven months. It would have been much more difficult to get through this without all of you. Without each email, comment, card, package, phone call, prayer...

It is surprising where the support comes from sometimes... and then where it does not. I try not to dwell on the people I haven't heard from, and I wonder sometimes if you are out there... quietly watching... not sure what to say.

So here's your chance to chime in, even if you've been silent thus far. I'd love to hear from EVERYONE who is reading - just a quick comment. Although it has been seven months and some of you are probably like "yawn, does she STILL have cancer?" but the answer is.... yes. Until it is all cut out, I still have it.

This surgery on Thursday is major. It is daunting. I am ready, but it is still stressful. Recovery is going to be long, and painful. I need you all to hang in there with me just a bit longer.....

So leave a comment. If you don't know how, here are my friend Kevin's instructions. If you honestly cannot figure it out, drop me an email at ruthdiane@gmail.com

Let me know you have visited the blog! Look at the bottom of this post. Do you see the link that says "0 comments" or "2 comments," etc.? Click on it and leave a comment. To post your comment, you'll need to retype the nonsense letters provided under the box where you type your comment (in the window that will pop up for you). Then click "Other" (unless you have a Blogger account, in which case you can sign in) and type your name in the "Name" box before clicking "Publish Your Comment."

Then and Now - 10 Years

1997




2007 - Todd had a bouquet of flowers made that matched my wedding bouquet, and the kids had fun with my veil. Todd is even wearing the same suit... (it's too big now!) Sorry, I tried on the wedding dress about a year ago... no luck.

Update, Thanks and Need a Babysitter

Hi Everybody.

Nathan had a great week last week. He attended a day camp in Anchorage for 5 days, learning about "Science and Superheroes." He had a great time, and came home with lots of projects to share with us. Many thanks to Bev for sponsoring his week, and Dan & Rachel and our neighbor Debbie for helping with the transportation. (Sorry, I didn't get any pictures!)

Things are falling together here. We have booked Tabetha to be here July 11-21, so she will get us over the first hump after surgery. I have recovered quickly from surgery in the past, but I will have lifting restrictions.... so it will be good to have another adult living in the house for 10 days.

Thursday, July 5th, is our tenth wedding anniversary. If anybody is available to babysit one or both kids in the afternoon and evening (we'll be home in time to put them to bed), please let me know.