Another Boring Monday

I thought the blog was getting a bit boring, so I decided to add a little drama today. Does anybody else get a little flutter in their heart now and then.... and it's not from anything more exciting than climbing the stairs? I used to get it when I was pregnant, and lately I've had a little shortness of breath and a tiny little bit of chest pain.... so we called the oncologist today to mention it and to ask if maybe we should schedule an EKG, and they sent us to the friggin' emergency room. I was like, "I'm not having chest pain RIGHT NOW," but the nurse at the oncologist's office was like a broken record: "Just go to the ER. Just go to the ER."

So I pitched a little fit and then we went to the ER with Anika in tow. It's nice that Todd knows everybody there.... so they are always super nice to me..... but I feel like I should be on good behavior and I just was not in the mood.

My bloodwork was, in Todd description: "Unremarkable." My EKG: "Normal." My chest x-ray..... well, haven't heard, but I'm assuming it was fine or they would not have let me leave. Apparently I am a cardiovascular picture of health. (The chemo drugs are cardio-toxic, hence the concern).

So that shot most of the day, and then Todd went to work two hours late. Laura came over and made homemade pizza (wonderful), and kept me company until Todd got home. Thanks to Bev for picking Nathan up and chauffeuring him home after school.

And I finally found the damn charger. It was tangled up in a bunch of towels we use to clean up after the dogs. No explanation.

On a more serious note, I would like to ask you all to continue to pray for Kayla, and keep her close in your thoughts.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY CELL PHONE CHARGER?

I am suffering from serious chemo-brain.

Many thanks to Lori for cleaning my kitchen, Gail for cooking dinner and sorting out my medical bills, and Jan and Chris for treating Nathan to a day of airplanes.

If anybody knows where my cell phone charger is, I will give you $100.

Saturday

More sleeping. More bone pain.

Friday

For you blog addicts, a brief update. Could you tell I hadn't taken my happy pills on Tuesday night? Major anxiety attack about chemo....made it through on Wednesday and felt moderately OK on Thursday.... lots of sleeping.... had my Neulasta shot (to stimulate bone marrow) on Thursday, as well as some acupuncture. And to sum up, feeling pretty sucky today. Mostly sleeping. Dragged it out of bed to go to Nathan's Kindergarten music program, but that's it. I ache all over, so the Neulasta must be doing its thing. Keep the encouragement coming..........

Relay for Life

I received an email from Todd's sister today. She is, for the second year, organizing a Relay for Life team in Grand Forks. For those of you who may want to sponsor her, her employer will match your donation. Here's the info from Tabetha. (The picture of Tabetha and Nathan is from last October).

It is amazing that a year ago when I was working on the Relay for Life, really no one close to me had cancer. I had never done a Relay event and was convinced to have a Old Navy team. It was a very rewarding, lots of fun, and lots of work, and I was unsure if I wanted to head a team again. When I found out Ruth had cancer a little before Christmas there was no question that I would have a team. The moral of the story you never know who it could happen to.

Relay for Life, for those of you who don't know, is a fun-filled overnight event designed to bring out and support those people who have been touched by cancer in our community and others. At the event we celebrate survivorship and raise money for the American Cancer Society. Its mission is to save lives and help those who have been touched by cancer and empower individuals to fight back. During the event each team has at least one member walking the path at all times. But Relay is much more than a walk around a path. It is a time to remember those lost to cancer and celebrate those who have survived.

Old Navy/Gap Inc. matches your donation 100% so everything you donate is doubled. The money raised in the community goes to the ACS and is distributed everywhere.

I encourage if you haven't attended a Relay event to go for an hour or two. You don't have to join a team. It is a community event anyone can attend.

You can donate either just a general donation or there are bags or laterns which line the path with a candle in them. They are each $5. We as a team decorate the lanterns with memory or honor and the persons name and if you have a personal preference such as flowers, tractors, or what you would like, just let me know. We have some pretty good artists at old navy. I would love to see Ruth's picture throughout the path. I plan to make copies of her and the kids and decorate the bags.

There is a website to directly donate on-line to my team. You just have to search member and then type Tabetha Tronnes it does say that we have not raised any money but we have - just not on line.

Our main fundraiser at Old Navy is the sales of muffins and drinks, but we have recently added corndogs big pretzels candy bars chips freeze pops and other misc. food. At the actual relay event we will be selling big muffins.

My e-mail address is tabethatronnes@yahoo.com so any one that would like to e-mail me with questions can e-mail me there. If you would like to donate by check, mail them to Tabetha Tronnes 3174 36th Ave S #3 Grand Forks ND 58201 Checks payable to Relay for Life. Donations are tax deductible to the full extent of the law. (Ruth added that). :)

I don't know what else to say but what a wonderful cause this is. I hope this makes sense and just email me if you have any questions.

Music

As many of you know, my life is set to music. I always want music playing... what it is depends on my mood.

I have a friend in a Christian Band named Beggar. This is my favorite song on their latest album. You can visit them online. I wish I could figure out how to play the song here..... but here are the lyrics.

Do Not Be Afraid
Verse 1
when hardened hearts chase after you
and there is no escape within your view
what surrounds your life makes you insecure
and what plagues your eyes there will be a cure

Chorus
like water in the desert
our lord delivers
like a stream in the wasteland
our lord delivers
like a path through a divided sea
our lord delivers
do not be afraid

Verse 2
if you’ve broken down within despair
and it’s hard to stand on a ground of fear
there’s a time to pray and a time to move
it’s only doubt that you have to lose

stand firm and just be still
there’s so much waiting for you

Chemo #5 on Wednesday

I go in at High Noon for my final hit of Big Red tomorrow. (Four doses of another drug - Taxol - will follow in the next 8 weeks). The anxiety is setting in tonight... I don't want to go.... I have been feeling reasonably good.... now I am picking fights, getting frustrated with the kids, and I made a to-do list this morning that I couldn't have accomplished six months ago, let alone today. The day before chemo, I get this idea that I may be incapacitated and I want everything in place.... all the paperwork put away, all the laundry washed/dried/folded/put away... I want the sheets changed on the beds and the new curtains hung and all the trash to go to the dump.... I want to control everything. . . .

Several of you are so kind and tell me I sound - from my blog - like I am doing so great. I don't feel great. I don't feel happy. I like to write, and I like to turn a clever phrase.... but I am not having fun. I sense I am supposed to learn something from all this bullshit but I don't know what it is. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I want to escape from my body, but I'm trapped in it.

I've received several nice gifts in the past few days and I should tell you all that months ago I let myself off the hook for writing thank-you notes. I send emails sometimes.... but I'm falling behind even on that. So Heidi - thanks for the CD. Mel and Sarah - thanks for the cool scarf. Adam - thanks for the DVD. Kim in AZ - loved the necklace and the book. Kim and Jeff - thanks for the package. David and Sandy - thank you for the angel. I'm sure I'm missing somebody, but I really really do appreciate all of your thoughts headed my way (and the presents are nice, too). :)

For those of you who really want to do something and are far away, I will do a posting on my favorite charities in the near future.

345 Cranes and Counting

As you may recall, my friend LaRoyce is making 1000 paper cranes for me. I heard from her yesterday. She said:

"This is what 345 looks like. Well, 255 as 60 are in San Antonio Texas, 7 are in New London Minnesota, and 23 are in Omaha Nebraska."

I put her in touch with my aunt, who was inspired by LaRoyce's idea, so they are going to combine their efforts. Both have students participating in the paper crane project. It feels so good to have so many people thinking of me, and pulling for my complete recovery. I figure I am about 1/2 way through this process, and should have it all wrapped up before the end of the year.....so they are right on track to have 1000 cranes done in time. (If you click on the picture you can see it bigger).

PS Thanks to Amy for posting this link in the comments, which tells the story of 1000 cranes. Another interesting twist... shortly after LaRoyce told me she was making the cranes, I found a children's book about Sadako in a consignment shop.... what a little treasure to keep on my bookshelf. - Ruth

Good Weekend

This weekend I felt the closest to human I've felt since this process started.

On Saturday Bev took Nathan out to the farm for some baking, trampoline jumping, etc. He loves it out there. Todd went out for some retail therapy, and I enjoyed Anika's three-hour nap by doing exactly nothing. I had to be a parent for about an hour before Lori showed up to babysit Anika for the evening, and Todd and I went out to dinner ALONE. To a REAL RESTAURANT, rather than our usual diner experience. This picture of Bev and Anika is from New Year's Eve, but I wanted to show a picture of another of my angels.

Sunday we made it to church, and Laura came over in the afternoon and evening to help me ride herd while Todd worked. I was able to get another massage by Jones at Blue Mountain Wellness Center. He has been doing a combination of Shiatsu and trigger point therapy, and since I've had nary a sign of the nausea or headache this round of chemo, I think it's best to keep doing the massage and acupuncture!!

Today I took a nice long nap. While I no longer have the headache or nausea.... I am soooo.... sooooo tired. As my friend Amy said: "I haven't felt sick at all so far and my energy is up (compared to chemo, not pre-chemo)." NOTHING is the same as pre-chemo.

Anyway, there have been lots of great comments lately, and I hope to respond to those (and tons of email) soon..... to the people who keep asking, I am in Palmer, Alaska, near Anchorage.

SOS

Ok, locals, we have a few dates coming up where we could use a little help. My Monday help is going out of town, and my Sunday help has other commitments.... Although I've been feeling good, more chemo is coming, and all bets are off after that. Please post a comment or email me if you can help with any of the following (even a partial day or only one kid).

Wednesday April 25 - We need a babysitter for Anika from about 10:00 a.m. until late afternoon. Nathan will be at school. I have chemo in Anchorage.

Sunday April 29 - Todd works 2-10:30 pm and I'll be home alone with the kids.

Monday April 30 - Todd works 2-10:30 pm and I'll be home alone with the kids. Nathan gets out of school at 2:15 and will go to daycare until somebody picks him up.

Friday May 4 - Iffy.... Todd works during the day, and I could probably use some company home alone with Anika if I can't drive.

Sunday May 6 - Todd works 2-10:30 pm and I'll be home alone with the kids.

Monday May 7 - Todd works 2-10:30 pm and I'll be home alone with the kids. No school!

TGIF

It's Friday! Not that the days of the week make that much difference to me any more, but any day that I feel good is a good day. (Of course it's 2pm and I'm whipped.)

I felt almost normal and very useful and productive and, dare I say, needed today. The Kindergarteners (all like 80 of them) were walking to the Pioneer Home (or, "the old folk's home," as Nathan calls it) to sing to the Pioneers today, and Nathan's teacher called me this morning to ask if I felt up to coming out and bringing the kids' lunches to them. So Anika and I loaded up and went to the school to pick up the lunches.... then back to the library where the kids were playing duck duck goose out on the lawn (brrr ... what happened to Spring??!!). After lunch I loaded up what was left to take back to the school. Along the way I was putting hats and gloves scrounged up from the floor of the Subaru on various kids who were not dressed for the weather (including my own, who had left our house adequately clothed this morning, but who left on the field trip with neither hat nor gloves... sigh... you can lead a horse to water, as they say).

ANYWAY, I knew if I didn't get all my stuff back from Kindergarteners as soon as they returned from their walk... I would never see my hats and gloves again (and I even loaned out my favorite hat, aren't you impressed?) So I hung out at the school for awhile and had the chance to visit with a potential first grade teacher for next year. Much accomplished!

On the way home I decided to swing through Vagabond Blues to see what was on the menu today. It turned into a virtual parade of people I know, so I had a chance to visit with a few friends and get a few hugs. Anika chowed half a bowl of Hungarian mushroom soup, but turned down the tarragon pasta salad. I had a great visit with my friend Lorie, who owns Vagabond.... and let me just plug Vagabond one more time (you guys really need a web site). They have absolutely the best food, and it's all vegetarian!

Thank you all for the compliments on my writing and the blog.... It is so cathartic for me to purge my day here.... less swirling around in my mind when I go to bed. I guess I'm sort of an exhibitionist, because a regular journal doesn't do it for me. I need an audience. :)

I was telling Lorie, and now I'll tell all of you, that I feel like I've been preparing for this for the past five years. ("This" being cancer, and the life crisis and self-analysis that comes with it). I feel like I've been putting all the pieces of a puzzle into place, so that everyone and everything I need is here to support me through and to the other side. I have both of my children, and just in the nick of time. I have a church full of supportive people, work full of supportive people, wonderful neighbors, and connections to all the right doctors, yoga practitioners, accupuncturist, massage therapists. I have a husband who can handle all the yucky stuff, take care of the kids, take care of me (bring home the bacon, fry it up a pan).... and who still has a sense of humor at the end of the day. I've also spent a good amount of time in the past five years making contact with old friends, people I had lost track of.... and some of those people are the most supportive people NOW. I'm not sure what I'd do without them.

Nothing is perfect. My puzzle is missing a few pieces, but so is every other puzzle in our house... I still have enough pieces to see the picture.

Blast from the Past

(Thursday update - no shopping today. Feeling tired and slow and cranky. Made it to Nathan's open house at school.... good time was had by all...)

Ok, time for some FUN. I received this picture from my friend Elise today .... taken in 1990, she was 16 and I was 19. WOW. Look at my HAIR! Look at how skinny I was! (Those are back in the days of 100 pounds. I started this cancer crap at 136 and now I'm holding steady around 123, so doing OK). I haven't seen Elise since 1992, but I have to say she looks much the same in today's photos - fabulous.

Send me your photos! Email pics of you and me from long ago, and I will post them. This will be fun, dammit!!

(P.S. Late day update, I DID make it out to Home Depot to buy a rod for my new shower curtain. It looks fabulous. Time for bed, I'm exhausted).

The Sun WAS Shining

I woke up on Tuesday to sunshine.... that golden light that sneaks in around the edges of the curtains, no matter how tightly you have them drawn. Sunshine like we have not seen here in awhile. My mind was racing with ideas.... remodeling Todd's bathroom to put in a window, remodeling the kitchen, finding someone to build a bench on the back deck. (Anybody know a good contractor?) I felt almost completely normal. Perhaps it was the sunshine.... or perhaps the Spring-like weather just triggered that desire to remodel that is inherent in all Alaskans... transplanted or otherwise.

So we dropped Nathan off at school and did the obvious - we went to Lowes. I've never been so happy to be at a do-it-yourself store before. We looked at kitchen cabinets, we bought some room-darkening curtains for the extra bedroom we added on a year and a half ago, we let Anika push the cart into things, we looked at white picket fencing. It was a gorgeous day. We had lunch at a little Chinese restaurant in a strip mall and browsed through the cabinet magazines we had picked up . . . we felt like ordinary people out to lunch with our princess . . . almost back to that ordinary couple that is extraordinary only because our children are so gorgeous and strikingly different from each other . . . not unusual in that we are both bald. Except that we both are.

Unfortunately the bottom dropped out of my high around 1pm and the rest of the day I felt queasy and headachy, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. Amy brought our weekly Tuesday night dinner (homemade pizza and rhubarb crisp - I really could get used to this), and another neighbor dropped off chicken and rice soup and homemade apple sauce. WOW.

Today was much the same except the sunshine and that "perfectly normal" feeling were missing this morning. We went out and hit a few more big-box stores, exhausting some of that pent-up shopping energy that has been building in me since January. I satisfied my immediate need to remodel by buying all new stuff for my bathroom. I figured I've had a blue bathroom (and quite possibly the same shower curtain) for going on 12 years now.... it was time for a change. Some lavender towels, a pretty flowered shower curtain.... after Deann cleans tomorrow I'll redecorate. Once again I was whipped by Noon.

All of this trivia from my life reminds me of a couple of things. Many MANY people have offered to come over and clean my house. I am in awe of such an offer . . . unbelievably generous, in my opinion (I mean, have you SEEN our dogs??) So to those of you who don't know, we do have a friend who cleans our house every Thursday. She has done so for about five years, and I consider it one of the best investments EVER. I highly recommend it if you can swing it. If we had not already had Deann before all of this happened.... I cannot even imagine.

The other thing is this: all the food. My goodness, the generosity of thought and time that goes into the food that is being brought over. I have to admit that it has never occurred to me to offer a friend in need either food or house-cleaning, and now it is so obvious to me that these are the things a person needs the most at a time like this (well, ok, and babysitting). And the spontaneity of it all... people just SHOW UP with food... it is a good lesson for me. I remember a few years back, my neighbor was in a terrible car accident. In my distress at hearing the news I promptly called her husband and said, "Anything, anything at all that you need, just call." And of course I meant every word of that... but having not received a call... I'm not sure I ever did one damn thing for them during her long recovery period. In fact, I didn't really know how bad it all was until some time later when I heard the story. It never even occurred to me to make a batch of chili and walk the 14 steps over to their house. I figured if I didn't hear from them, they didn't need anything.... how foolish of me. I'm sure this cancer thing is not just to teach me this lesson, but at least I've gotten something out of it.

So there is not so much sunshine today, and I haven't been able to take a nap yesterday or today... I just CAN'T sleep without a lot of drugs these days.... so I'm dragging. But I'm still here.

Survivor Video

I've met a lot of the women in these photos in an online support group. The creator of the video said: "I was recently honored to be the keynote speaker at the American Cancer Society's Tompkins County Relay for Life Kick-Off Dinner. I created a short film to 'speak' for my presentation. I have since tweaked the film to reflect the relationship between the song "Kid Fears" and the film itself. I also replaced some images. . . . please take a few minutes and watch... and think about the bigger picture for a while. I'm not going for an Oscar... I just wanted to celebrate some of the strongest, most incredible people I have ever known... the 'under-40' diagnosees."

Many thanks to Stephanie for making this video and sharing it with all of us.

Sunday at the IHOP

I found it difficult to go to sleep last night without downloading my day into the blog.... silly, really, since I didn't accomplish much. I consider it a pretty successful day if I unload the dishwasher, wash a load of clothes, take a shower, and work in a nap. CHECK! No nausea or headache on Sunday.... 4 days after chemo and 3 days after Neulasta.... yay. (The jury is still out today - Monday - as I think the headache may be approaching).

We didn't quite make it to church... not feeling good enough to wrestle both kids into the car (Todd worked the day shift), but Laura came over after church and brought fresh flowers and good conversation. Anika and I took a nap while Laura and Nathan talked robots. His latest treasure is a January '06 copy of Popular Science magazine.... we have read it cover to cover several times. Lots of stuff about robots and black holes and Pluto (when it was still a planet). If you are looking to recycle such magazines, send them our way.

I thought I should start posting pictures of all the angels who are helping us through this. I couldn't pick a favorite, so here are all three pics of Laura and the kids from yesterday.





Laura and Andy joined us at IHOP for dinner.... we DO have better restaurants in the Valley, but I wasn't feeling any braver than pancakes.

One brief misadventure last night.... Anika had a crying fit and then stopped using her left arm! It was just sort of dangling there.... after an hour of trying to trick her into reaching for something - anything - my Mommy Alarm went off and we called the pediatrician on-call. (I am no longer the wait-and-see-if-it-fixes-itself type). She said it was probably just nursemaid's elbow, and told Todd to meet her in the lobby at the hospital, rather than go to the ER. (She obviously didn't realize we met our catastrophic family deductible MONTHS ago! haha). Todd said, "We'll be easy to spot. I'm the tall bald guy with the Asian baby." Anika's arm fixed itself before they ever got to the hospital, so the doc just observed her playing for a few minutes and declared her to be fine. She said it is very VERY common.... but a heads up to those of you who handle Anika - and any of the under-five set - lift them up under their armpits.... not by the hands, forearms or elbows. (We never do, and can't figure out how this happened in the first place).

For those of you who want all the latest on Anika, I recently updated AnikaCai.com . Click on "Home Updates" in the menu on the left. (We'd have more pics of Nathan if he would SIT STILL).

Thanks, Pics and Prayer Request

OK, ok, I'm SORRY I had to resort to a guilt trip to get some emails and comments out of a few of you..... but I was desperate....... yes, I'm needy. I'm just not a big enough person to know hundreds of people are praying for me and reading the blog ... I also need attention. :)

I am feeling remarkably better than after the previous three infusions. No headache and no nausea so far. Just really REALLY tired (and, as we have already learned, needy). Anika and I take a nap every day. I'm going to be spoiled rotten when I finally drag myself back to work.

Last night I walked a WHOLE BLOCK to visit the Bunco crowd.... I wasn't up for a full 2 1/2 hours of Bunco, but it was fun to go out and see all my wonderful neighbors and have them shower me with good wishes. They even wanted to see my head!

Today we ventured out to the park with the kids, and then to the grocery store. The kids were so cute, side-by-side in the cart that looks like a little car - each with their own steering wheel. (Of course I didn't think to take the camera into the store with us). That's about all I could handle for the day, so I've had a nap, and now it's almost time for supper. I'll post some pictures ... do you like my new shirt? (Three bucks on clearance, couldn't resist).

In all my whining I have failed to mention another who needs your prayers. Kayla - a 13 year old girl from our church - could use a bunch. If everyone who is praying for ME would also add Kayla to your list..... she'll be in good hands.

Frequently Asked Questions

I'm hanging in here "the day after." Just tired. Managed to go out for that fabulous Neulasta shot in the stomach, had acupuncture, and made it to "Lunch with a Loved One" at Nathan's class just a little late. I hate to miss it when I get a personally handwritten invitation from my first-born. No sign of the headache or nausea yet. Let's hope it stays away this time.

Anyway, here are the answers to some of your burning questions, asked and unasked. If I've missed anything, drop me an email or leave a comment.

Ruth, you sound so flip about losing your hair, is that just a facade?

I could not give a damn about my hair. It is hair and it will grow back. I do not care for the bald look, but the bandana is cute, and I can get away with my wigs if I really want to. I don't really want to .... everybody can see me in a bandana and know it's cancer, and they can bite me if it makes them uncomfortable. Besides I am so freaking sick 3/4 of the time I wouldn't be fixing my hair anyway.... so it's one less thing to worry about. And that is the truth.

How are the kids handling this?

Nathan is 6 and he knows quite a bit about cancer. He seems to understand that it is a disease that can cause you to die, but he doesn't seem worried that may happen to me. He seems happy to have me around more, and only a little annoyed that I am so tired.

Anika is 18 months and she is oblivious. She thinks it is perfectly normal that Mommy and Baba are home with her EVERY DAY... and that all sorts of fun people come over to visit and play with her and her toys. She may very well be the happiest little girl in the world.

Why are you doing this blog? Isn't some of the information kind of personal??

Yes, I've heard of one person who can't read my blog because s/he feels like s/he is invading my privacy. Well... I'm only putting out here what I want the world to know. Some of it is pretty informative and could save your life if you've been paying attention. A lot of it is just to keep you in the loop about how I am from day to day. Certainly, don't read if it make you uncomfortable. I'll try to post subject lines that will alert you if it's a touchy subject. All the gory details of reconstruction are coming soon.

The intent was to take the pressure off of me fielding phone calls and emails and repeating myself a lot. It also is a great place for me to archive information I may want to refer to later. It has backfired somewhat, though, because although I know a TON of people are reading the blog, relatively few are commenting or sending me supportive emails. So I kinda feel like I'm talking to a brick wall at this point.

How do I comment?

Look at the bottom of one of the posts. Do you see the link that says "0 comments" or "2 comments," etc.? Click on it. You do not have to have a Blogger account to do this. If you post as "Anonymous" please sign your comment so I know who you are. Or click "Other" and put your name in the box. To post your comment, you'll need to retype the nonsense letters provided under the box where you type your comment (in the window that will pop up for you). Then click "Publish Your Comment." If you still can't figure it out, any random 13 year old should be able to help you.

How is Todd?

Well, you may have to ask him yourself. He's hanging in there as Super-Dad and Super-Caretaker, chauffer, hand-holder, and drawer of the blood. It can't be a fun job.

What are all these links on the right side?

I've provided a list of links to the key blog entries if you are a late-arrival and want to know what's going on. The entire blog archive is below that. Below that are cancer-related links for your own research. Below that is a list of people and organizations who are helping me through this.... and below that is a list of links important to me - our daughter's adoption web site, and my two favorite charities. More on those later.

Um, Ruth, are you going to die?

Well, yes, eventually. We can talk statistics here. After chemotherapy and surgery, I have only a 14% of a recurrance of cancer in the next 5 years, and a 9% chance of being dead from cancer in 10 years. So.... those sound like pretty good odds, right? Remember, though.... I only had less than a 13% chance of getting cancer in the FIRST place. So statistics don't mean that much to me, really. They were useful in deciding treament, but not very useful from here on out. If you read this woman's story, would you be surprised to learn she is home with hospice now, and only has days or weeks to live?

The lesson for each of us is to live our life like we will not live forever, like time is not unlimited. I suck at that lesson, I'm just the messenger.

Four Down, Five to Go

My bloodwork was good yesterday so I went in for my 4th chemo today. I met with the onc about my raging headache and we made a few adjustments.

My chemo schedule has been set from here on out. For those of you who like to visit me, check in the day before to make sure nothing has changed.

Wednesday, April 25th at 12 p.m. (Last AC)

Wednesday, May 9th at 11:30 a.m. (Taxol)

TUESDAY, May 22nd (sorry Sarah) at 11:00 a.m. (Taxol)

Wednesday, June 6th at 11:30 a.m. (Taxol)

Wednesday, June 20th at 1:30 p.m. (Taxol)

All reports are that the Taxol should be "easier" on me than the AC, and my hair may even start growing back... but my fingernails will fall off. Bizarre.

Happy Easter (a day late)

Did you miss me? I pretty much hit the wall Friday night - the "I can't do this any more" place. I've been there before and I know I'll be there again. I was hit by dizziness and a general yuck feeling. Todd checked my blood and I'm not anemic, so that's good, but no explanation for the dizziness.

The headache that had plagued me for nine days finally lifted on Saturday and took the nausea away with it.... I felt good enough to drive myself to a massage, and then to the grocery store to look for last-minute Easter basket goodies. FYI, there isn't much to find on Saturday night before Easter...

Sunday morning we dove into the goodies the Bunny left for the kids, then actually made it to church. As you can see, we had the cutest bunny there. It was a very uplifting service . . . and I guess I was just glad to be upright. There are certain hymns we only sing on Easter Sunday, and they are some of my favorites. After church, Nathan went home with Laura and Andy, and Anika and I took a nice long nap before going back to their house for Easter dinner. (Poor Todd had to work right after church). It was a nice Easter.

Lori is here with me tonight helping get the kids fed, bathed, and off to bed. I'm not sure how I would do this without so much help. Fortunately I have lots of help and am married to Super-Dad.

I am supposed to have chemo again on Wednesday. I guess it's kind of like childbirth.... when you're in the middle of it you think, "Oh my God I'm never doing this again." Then enough time passes, and you start to forget how awful it was... and you think, "I could do that again." I'm not quite there with chemo yet.... Wednesday seems a little soon.... but it will all be decided by tomorrow's bloodwork.

I just have to keep my eye on the bunny and her big brother.

Good Friday

The subject line is an observation of the upcoming holiday, rather than a comment on how I am feeling.

Actually, I am not feeling terrible.... but I am still battling a regular headache and nausea, which leads to more sleep... I have ventured out of the house only for acupuncture since Wednesday's lunch debacle. Mike was kind enough to point out to me that the body does most of its healing during sleep, so sleep is not a bad thing, thus eradicating much of my guilt about sleeping away the majority of the month of March. He also hit a new acupuncuture spot on me - the one for dreams. My dreams have not yet become exotic and exciting, but they have at least gotten less frightening... no more "Sophie's Choice" nightmares. No more falling, drowning, trapped in a car with a scary person.

Unfortunately staring at the computer (or the TV or a book) makes me dizzy and contributes to the nausea.... so my blog entries will have to be short and sweet until that improves.

One funny story - I didn't give you the "funny" spin on the lunch from Hell on Wednesday. If you've ever been to a small town diner you know that every head turns when you walk in the door... I mean.... you might be someone they know. We of course get, in addition to the cursory glance when walking into the Valley Hotel, the extra few seconds of.... look at that cute baby. Well on Wednesday, it was the milisecond glance, followed by the cute baby pause, followed by several seconds of what could only be construed as look at those two bald people with that cute asian baby. What the Hell is up with them?? The only comment we got was "cute shoes" in reference to Anika's pink blinky boots.... but of course then we went the extra mile to entertain the locals with our dramatic departure. It's all really funny in retrospect.

Lunch - Not Advised

Another weird night of sleep. Up from 4-6 am. Got up and had frozen waffles at 6 as I was so hungry... briefly saw the kids at 7:30 and went back to bed until 10 am. More crazy dreams.... Todd cut off his left hand and I had to carry it to the hospital wrapped in a towel.... wished I had just stayed up at 6 by the time the dreams were over.

I felt reasonably OK after getting up, so we decided to venture out to the hotel for lunch. No anti-nausea meds on board. Mistake. Big mistake. The only thing I didn't do was throw up in the restaurant, which I feared at one point. Todd boxed up our food and whisked me home, medicated me, and Anika and I slept for a couple of hours.

Todd came back from picking Nathan up after school with a "Happy 1/2 Birthday" cake for me. I didn't even realize it was my half-birthday!

Thanks to Pat for coming over this evening to keep me company and feed the kids while Todd got a much-deserved trip to the gym.

And to the person who fed Nathan a Cadbury Creme Egg today.... I will make you pay.

Back to bed.

Nightmares

As if my waking hours are not enough of a nightmare, the bad dreams have now invaded my primary coping mechanism - sleep. Last night I dreamed of spiders, I was covered in them, having fallen asleep outside (in my dream). I woke up (in my dream) with bites all over me - it was horrible. It went on and on. Less horrible but still no fun was the dream that I had free tickets into an amusement park, but couldn't find any of the rides.

I awoke at 2 am in excruciating pain, bone pain compliments of the Neulasta shot I had on Friday. I had expected the bone pain Saturday or Sunday, so thought I was in the clear by Monday.... the eternal optimist I'm not, but I'm trying to hold it together here. The Neulasta is stimulating my bone marrow to produce more blood cells, which is good, but it hurts like Hell.

I'm too tired to spell check. Going to take a nap.

My Hair Hurts

Everything hurts.

Weekend

Thank you all for your kind, encouraging words, in e-mail, comments, and especially in person.

I spent most of Saturday in bed.... succumbing to the drowsiness brought on by the anti-nausea drugs. I decided to give in this time instead of fight it. I slept ALOT. Finally, around 5:00, Todd said.... "um, would you PLEASE get up? Go to Ann's birthday party. You'll feel better if you do." Of course he was right. Pat was kind enought to drive me to the party, which was in BFE at a new restaurant that had food that will probably look FABULOUS about a week from now. She agreed that she would bring me home the minute I had had enough.

It was great to see so many friends... usually the crowd I see at the baby showers that crop up once or twice a year. I think perhaps we have now graduated from baby showers to 40th birthday parties. I fooled a few people with my wig, and several more said they would have been fooled if they hadn't already read the blog. The color is a perfect match of my own hair. It was the perfect setting for my first venture out into public with a wig on.

Today, Sunday, I again slept alot. Lori and Laura have been taking shifts with the kids while Todd worked this morning, and ventured out to buy a new toilet this afternoon. :) Better him than me.


Here is a powerpoint collage our friend Kelly made for me - Kelly is a dad from our travel group to China. He said, "I think you look great -- and I believe you may have started a trend -- because wherever I looked on the net, there was another powerful woman with a trendsetting 'Ruth Do.' Go get 'em!"

Thanks Kelly!